Archer in Emiyaclan
by neogoki
Summary: An Omake for the Emiya Clan-Universe, featuring the summon of Counter Guardian EMIYA into a Battlefield he is not ready for.  Rated M just to be sure
1. Prolog

An Omake for the Emiya Clan-Universe,

featuring the summon of Counter Guardian EMIYA into a Battlefield he is not ready for.

The Prolog is from Haru's perspective.

*Story Start*

"Upon your summoning I come, I ask of thee, are you my Master?"

I knew the ritual worked perfect, as a red clad knight appeared, sunburned skin, Hawk-like eyes filled with experience and intelligence, snow-white hair and an aura of power beyond human. He even followed the formal part of the ritual, excellent.

"Yes. I, Haru Emiya, have summoned you, guardian of balance."

"…Emiya?" He knows my family name, should make things easier. "Eh, I hate to break protocol, but what year is it?"

That was unexpected. "20XX, why do you ask?"

"Has to be a coincidence." He mumbled, regaining his cool as he studied by face. Then the red Knight spoke louder.

"I have some strong memories connected to a man bearing the Emiya-name, but that's not relevant here."

"From the Grail war in Fuyuki?" my simple question hit deep.

"…yes. **Why?**"

"Haru! Where are _youuu_?" in hindsight, I should have preformed the summing in a secret location or at least someplace with a door and working lock. But I used a small yard with a concrete floor and prefect access for anyone. Like say these two of my sisters.

"Fuuko and Riko. Two of my younger sisters." I informed the Knight.

"Here you are, it's your turn to take Primy for walk." Did I mention their bad habit of loving to remind me of unpleasant jobs?

"Well as of today that's his job." I pointed at my summon.

"Beg your pardon? You have summoned a Heroic Spirit to take of a dog?"

"I have summoned a Counter Guardian to take care of my family's faithful pet, Primal Murder." This shattered his control of his facial muscles. "Also your services are granted from a deal with Alaya itself. This includes the power to resummon/revive you as many times I want. In exchange I keep Primy at the short leash."

"S-since it normally takes seven to restrain that beast, it sounds like a bargain." Got to admit, he takes it far better than expected.

"Hey, Onii-chan! You can't just ditch your chores!" Riko could see her beloved show, me being dragged through dirt, plants and unmentionable stuff by a titanic wolf, slipping away.

"And to force it onto such a _handsome_ fellow." And Fuuko just had to flirt. "And tossing him in without any preparation, how cold of you. Here dear Guardian, let Fuuko-chan show you around, Haru can play with Primy on his own."

Wait, she ditched watching me in dirt for a guy? I don't know if I should be happy or worried.

"Me too! I want to give the red Nii-san a tour. Bye Haru."

"_**Hey wait**_!"

But they were already gone, my sisters dragged the red knight, who wasn't offering any resistance, towards our home's main building. I wonder what kind charisma the knight had, for attracting two young girls in such a short time. But knowing my family, he would regret not resisting.


	2. First Blade

First chapter, revamped, originally for the Emiya-Clan-Thread.

*Story Start*

The red knight was carefully healing one of his many wounds, that none of them ended being lethal or crippling, allowing him to escape with his life, was proof of his skill and determination. The Gate of Babylon was truly a challenge, even more when…

"I never saw Gil-nanny acting so strange."

…you had to kept a girl save. When Counter Guardian Emiya entered the mansion, he refused to think of it as the Emiya-estate, the first person he and his two guides encountered was _Gil-nanny_ or Gilgamesh as he knew him. The recognition was mutual, Gilgamesh was first shocked, then started stuttering some words with no coherence whatsoever and finally laughing like a maniac while unleashing his treasure on the red knight. Fuuko jumped to safety, but Riko was facing the barrage head-on, so the knight grabbed her and started running. A berserk King of Heroes in pursuit, raging like a horde of drunken Vikings.

"You know, I could take him."

She says so, and right now EMIYA is willing to believe her, for during his fight with Gilgamesh they came. Four females, as he knows now Shiro Emiya's wives and, that part shakes his spine, there were supposed to be even more. He recognized Saber(after seeing Gilgamesh he didn't even wonder), a very busty brunette, maybe Fuuko's mother, a redhead with glasses and braids and Rin Tosaka.

For a moment he was just staring, as was Rin, surprised by this unexpected situation. Then she fully recognized him and realized that **he** also recognized **her**, in other words this was a being that remembered being her Servant Archer. She gave him a smile.

"I never knew Rin-kaa could be so scary without being angry."

A smile that said, 'I thank the Root for this glorious opportunity to tease you with all my might!'(Among other things) it stopped Gilgamesh dead in his tracks giving EMIYA the opening to escape. Now he was hiding in a storage-room, together with Riko and mending his wounds.

"You are Rin's daughter?"

"Eh? No no, we just call all of dad's wives kaa-san, my mother's name is Rider."

"As in Servant Rider, aka Medusa?"

"That's the one, so you do know her and Rin." The violet girl gave the red knight a knowing grin. "And Gil-nanny and Saber-kaa, right?"

"Yes…"

"So 5th Heaven's feel. I already saw Lancer. As for Berserker… no ain't your style, Caster was a girl, Assassin, nah, you're too buff. That makes you Archer!"

"Yes…"

"Cool, mama always talked about summoning you, she asked Rin but Daddy…"

EMIYA raises his hand to stop her talk.

"One moment please, I have questions as well and you had your turn."

"Hm… fine. Ask."

"First, how many wives and kids are there?"

"18 with a total of 27 kids, I think."

"You _think_?"

"Daddy sometimes comes home with a new kaa-san."

EMIYA makes a mental note: '_find a way to destroy/seal pheromone glands_".

With so many pieces at her disposal he can't face Rin, even an escape might be impossible at this point. She definitely started a search for him, with teams instructed on how to take him in. But maybe…

"Why wanted your mother to summon me."

"I don't know, she gets there when the other kaa-sans talks about performance and their turns, whatever that's supposed to mean."

He knows. Counter Guardian EMIYA can perfectly image what started that innocent sounding conversation among grown Women. He updates his mental note: '_find a way to __**destroy**__ pheromone glands, __**FAST**__!_'. His hope for an Ally dies out like a Candle in a Storm.

"Hey." Riko gets closer to the Red Knight.

"Hm?"

"Since you already bleeding, can I have a sip? It smells so good." Her eyes are misty and face blushed, she won't wait long for permission. Usually EMIYA's thoughts are complex, but right now they can be summarized with 'Oh **S***!**'.

"I really wonder what I have done in my past lives to earn this kind of karma."

*Scene Break*

"Nhm, just a little bite…" a soft seducing voice, deep eyes piecing into a man's soul, a beauty that don't know the meaning of…

"No."

"Come on! _Pleeeease_? You can even have some fun with me." Again with the seducing voice.

The purple-haired girl uses every trick she knows, despite being safely bound by a chain, she refuses to give up, she wants the sweet smelling blood of the red knight.

"You are 14 years old girl, don't try something like this before hitting 20."

"Mou!"

The red knight double-checks the chain he traced to bind Riko, it should hold for several hours, hopefully enough for him to escape this madhouse.

But the great question is: how?

The Emiya-estate is enormous, but even in this unused storage room he can feel layers of protective charms everywhere. He could break through them, but it would slow him down and with the thread of 18 women, each capable of standing Shiro Emiya's presence for years is too much. Also the children, Riko claims to be Rider's offspring, her appearance supports that claim. The problem is the power, Riko is potentially more powerful that her mother. If this is the same for the other kids, then any open confrontation becomes suicide. Counter Guardian EMIYA has to avoid them or pick them one by one. Now he needs information, time for some recon.

Or it would be, if it wasn't for the two standing at the room's entrance.

They don't look dangerous, a boy and a girl, both around 16 years.

The boy sported an impassive, slightly annoyed expression, had brown hair, average musculature, no weapons visible, neither could the counter Guardian feel magic from him.

The girl had red hair, glasses and faint traces of make-up on her face. Her height, weight and build were average for a Japanese girl her apparent age. Though she had an elegance far beyond the average in her movements. She carried a laptop and had definitely more prana than a normal human should.

So EMIYA, fight or flight?

"So you're the guy that Haru summoned and got our mothers so excited?" The girl gives the Spirit a calculating look.

"And if I am?"

No, information first, there are 3 escape routes, the red knight is sure he can get away if necessary.

"Sis, how about showing some manners? The first step is '_introductions_'." The boy steps in. "Ahm, my name is…"

"Kyon." The girl interrupts. "His name is boring so everybody calls him Kyon and I doubt he would react to any other name, I am Chisame Emiya. Who or what are you? And why is Rin-kaa-san grinning like a shark since she saw you?"

The last question sends him a shiver down the spine, this was too much information.

"Call me Archer, I used to work with Rin."

The boy, Kyon, stepped close to the bound purple-hair.

"Riko, are you okay?"

"I want his blood, or tears or any **body-fluid**, please Onii-chan!" Kyon backs away.

"She's fine. I haven't seen her like this for a while, impressive that you could restrain her without inuring her."

"Yes, quite impressive, but not enough to escape from here. That is what you want, isn't it?"

Again the girl, Chisame, interrupts her brother. But she made a point.

"Staying here would be bad for my mental health, you want to stop me?"

"No, I don't care about what you plan or your escape, at least right now I don't care. But I could start to care about you."

"So?" What's her game?

"First of all, you can't break out of here, the buildings and grounds are riddled with defense measures and traps, not even Saber could pass through them. That leaves the stealthy approach, but for that you need Intel, about layout of the mansion, the mothers and our siblings, after all one wrong step and **game over**."

"And you want to provide me? How much is that gonna cost me?"

"You understand quickly, very good. I need some _things_ to be done for me, nothing violent, but simply out of my reach."

"Several things?"

"Yes. So do we have a deal?"

She is dangerous, I shouldn't…

*Scene Break*

An explosion shakes the room and fills it with dust, then the dust disappears and another room becomes visible. The floor is made from wood, there are wooden swords hanging at the walls and a sign, like in a dojo…

"Why does this feel so familiar?"

EMIYA stares at the sign:

**NEO TIGER DOJO!**

_Grand opening!_

"Hello and welcome to the Neo Tiger Dojo!" The red knight is speechless, a young woman clad in a chinese dress, maybe 25 years old just stepped into the dojo.

"Fufu, is my matured beauty blowing your mind, oni-chan?" Snow-like hair, flowing all the way to her feet, eyes like clear rubies with a teasing light in them. Her well shaped legs start high up and go all the way to the ground, pronouncing her figure, god, her curves are a work of art, not oversized or exaggerated in any way. They are perfectly balanced and harmonic with the rest of her body. All this is wrapped in stainless white Skin.

"I-Ilya?"

"Yes, it's me. Every little bit you see, all natural ME!"

"…" He can't stop staring, he can't move, he can't even think, time has stopped for him.

Until two pairs of feet make with his head. "What?"

"Enough with the fluff!" the two little girls that just kicked EMIYA landed gracefully in sync. They are identic, maybe twins? "And what's with this outfit Ilyasviel!" EMIYA realizes they are wearing bloomers and T-Shirts with their names on them, Stheno and Euryale. Where does he know these names from?

"What happened to the Hamaka?"

"Who would wear that old tiger skin? This shows more of me anyway." Ilya bows a bit while pushing her cleavage up. The twins blush. "W-Who cares about these lumps of fat?" Euryale yells. "Yes! A humble flat chest is proof of nobility!"

"Hmmm, is that so?" The Red knight knows this sound, Rin used the same, the twins just triggered a verbal trap. "Then these big, soft lumps of fat mean I'm not a Noble?" Her lips form a cat's smile "That means I can get down and dirty with Onii-chan!" She jumps EMIYA, still on the floor.

"Wait! What is going on here?"

"Ah, I forgot, this corner here is to advise you your choices, when you get a bad end you come here. So make many, many bad moves to be with me!"

"What bad end? And where did I make a bad choice?"

"Ah right, the bad ends here are so terrible that your mind is deleting them. You error was not to ally with the two kids, you won't escape on your own. So for this tip, a kiss."

*Chu*

*Scene Break*

What was THAT? EMIYA blinks his eyes double check the room for the source of … whatever that was.

"Well? What's your answer?"

Chisame didn't show any signs of surprise, was that just now some kind of illusion only EMIYA could perceive? But… no, forget it. For now he has to move forward.

"Deal, I help you getting what you want and you get me out of here."

A smile appeared on her face. "You won't regret it, here take this." She handed a small earpiece to the red knight.

"Is this some kind of transmitter?"

"I call it the OS-link, a non-digital two radio. You may have already noticed that you can't change into Spirit-form here. But that also means you can carry stuff with you, like this little guy."

He didn't notice, now that she mentioned it EMIYA couldn't find the 'off-switch' for his physical form.

"Why non-digital? I heard analog devices are less reliable than digitals of the same size."

"Because my mother can hack and manipulate to anything digital, no hard drive or cell phone is save from her. Thus I tinkered with Old School tech."

"Old School, OS, acronym for everything huh?"

"Makes it easier to remember. Now listen, you still have sometime before our mothers have this building surrounded, but not much. Also going just outside will trigger the alarms Rin set up, giving away your position. Instead take the underground-route, there is a large hall just 300 meter west from here. It's currently used to store the building material and has several access-points to the lower-levels."

"Levels? How much of a cellar needs this mansion."

"We have a self-consistent shelter down there, complete with gardens, cold-storage, labs, power-plant. So ten levels I think." 

"That was Rin's idea, wasn't it?" EMIYA always feared what would happen if the super-efficient Rin would get more resources than she could handle, now he knows and he wants his naivety back.

"Actually it started when Saber demanded a larger storage for food, then Rin wanted a bigger workshop and Rider suggested a power-plant to cut costs. Form there it kept escalating. As far I know most of sub-levels 1 to 3 are used for normal stuff, storage and stuff, 4 and deeper are on stand by until needed. We are still building down there anyway. You need to go downstairs until you find less secure floor, or security you can handle, from there pick a path south, to the western-styled building. If you make it there contact me for more instruction. The OS-Link won't work underground and using the intern phone-line is too risky, so don't bother contacting me before you get above ground. Questions?"

"Who is currently after me?"

"Foremost Rin and Rider, you know their abilities?"

"From 2006, update me."

"Rider claims she hasn't changed since 1000 BC, Rin is famous for a Gand-shooting-sytle that rivals mini-guns in fire-rate and various effects using jewels, she is also called the next master of the kaleidoscope, whatever that means."

"It means going from bad to worse for me, who else?"

"My mother, Matsu, she is not a fighter, but still stronger than a Human. Her power is to connect with any digital device to read or control it, she is also a master-class hacker without any meta-stuff. And she likes guns and pervert stuff, calling it experimenting, don't expect any mercy from her. Then Saber, she…"

"Skip her, I know all about her."

"Kazehana, Fuuko's mother, power over wind and tons of experience against many different types. Plays the drunk fool or maiden in fresh love, but she is lethal under the cute wrapping.

Next Aoko, formerly Aozaki, a magic-user excelling in destruction, nicknamed:"

"The Blue?"

"Yes, guess she is famous."

"The Blue…"

"Yes, you got that right."

"The Blue…" Chisame notices that EMIYA's eyes have lost all light, looking like they turned into dull glass-balls.

"Uh, Archer? You still with us?" The red knight starts to shiver, then he shakes and finally his voice breaks free.

"Shiro is **married** with _children_ to the goddamn _**BLUE**_? What the F*** is going on here?"

"One child so far, one, Aoshi a boy. And he also had fun with her sister so clam down."

"Can this s**t become _somehow_ _**worse**_?" Then EMIYA realized what he just did.

"You just had to jinx it. Well there is one more after you, Haru's mother Altrouge."

"…Altrouge Brunestud?"

"That's the one."

"I better shut up and get moving."

"Very good idea, now get moving Red Snake"

"That makes you Otacon."

*Scene Break*


	3. Second Blade

*Story Start*

The air was stale in the corridor, no much dust, but also no signs of recent use. There was no sign of sentient life in the whole wing, still Counter Guardian EMIYA was cautious. Advancing silent with his senses strained to the maximum. While most of his mind focused on the now and here, a small part analyzed the situation as a whole.

_I have been summoned to a gigantic mansion in the 21__st__ century, probably Japan._

_My summoner is __Haru, the son of Altrouge Brunestud and Shiro Emiya._

_Shiro has over a dozen wives, most if not all ridiculously powerful and fathered children with all of them._

_The power-level of the children is unknown to me, but it could vary between _'normal kid' _over_ 'strong as me' _to_ 'Root-Damn-Monster'_._

_Some of the wives are aware of my presence, including Rin Tosa… __or, is it now Rin __**Emiya**__?_

_They are hunting me, for no other reason than using me as a love-toy!_

_I understand that Shiro can't satisfy so many women, but now I have to take the fall?_

_G__ilgamesh is here, as a nanny and I can tell, he is not feared by the children._

_What has Shiro fathered?__ And with whom?_

_At least the children left me alone so far, most of them, one wanted my body fluids, two other offered help. I accepted, mostly because the terrain sealed some of my senses and my ability to switch into spirit-form, the latter would very nice right now._

_The help comes at a price, some missions I have to complete._

_Now I am surrounded by hungry beasts, too power__ful for me to handle, in their territory while acting half-blind with a minimum on information._

_The last time I was in a situation this unfavorable I still had red hair. _

_And my only option is to move forward, god knows what Rin would do to me._

The red knight arrives at a door leading outside, peeking through a near window he can see the Storage Chisame mentioned, a military grade building with gates for heavy transporters and thick walls. The distance from the door to the Storage is only 35 meter, but not much in terms of cover, just a bunch of half unpacked wooden crates, barrels and cardboard boxes. And there was someone, sporting long blond hair and a white sundress, she was tending a flowerbed right next to the path EMIYA had to take, he couldn't see her face, but wasn't taking any chances, he considered her as to dangerous and others could be nearby. That means snaking, but how? The cover was less than optimal and even with the barriers masking his magical energy he was a grown man in deep red clothes, not a chameleon or a snake…

Wait… the **cardboard boxes**… He joked earlier about a particular franchise, now once again irony proved to be sentient and a good listener. Looking around he found them two rooms farther…

*scene break*

_When this works I swear, I will get a bandana and a utility-belt next._

So far it did work, moving inch by inch, double-checking every direction before moving, utilizing the cover of the wooden crates.

The young woman hasn't noticed him, instead she kept on focusing on a patch of freshly plowed earth.

_Is she planting something?_

Just as EMIYA finished this thought, a tree shoot out said patch of plowed earth, growing to bigger than the woman and sprouting leafs in less than a heartbeat.

_A wood nymph? Shiro has wizards, servants, a sorceress, the black princess of the Dead Apostle and on top of that a wood nymph? What's next, catgirls, maids, aliens? …is that a toddler?_

Yes, a maybe two-year old blonde kid just crawled into EMIYA's field of vision and he looks at the cardboard box in clear fascination.

_Oh, no no no, please don't!_

Yes, the small blonde is crawling towards the box and his attention will can bring the attention of the wood nymph, who going by the hair-color might be his mother. The sheer power and ease she displayed by growing a tree in seconds put her in EMIYA's "very dangerous"-classification. A fight with her would be long and maybe unwinnable, given that she had the advantage of territory and reinforcements nearby. Right now there was a tall wooden crate between the knight and the nymph, giving him cover, but if the toddler leaves his mothers direct field of vision she will search for him, and since the kid was getting to close to the knight the mother would find him too.

But at the same time… it was an opportunity. If the kid could distract his mother the path would be clear, if the distracting don't bring attention to EMIYA.

_I need a decoy!_

Quickly a plush bunny is traced. The knight throws it with precision into a spot where the child would be out his mother's sight and out of his way. The child stops and looks to the toy.

_Good, now go to Mr. Bunny and don't look back. Don't… huh?_

But the small blonde chooses to ignore _Mr. Bunny_ and continues crawling to the red knight. Another distraction is needed and time is running out, EMIYA's instinct tells him has time for more try before…

The world goes white and he sees:

**NEO TIGER DOJO!**

_Round 2_

"I wanted to make some Candy, bad idea?" He doesn't even feel surprised anymore, too much happened. He doubts anything can shock him at this point.

"Nope, perfectly good for _average_ kids."

"Average… so what do I need for this WHOA?" So much for no more shocks. "W-W-What happened to-to-to…"

"The Chinese dress? Why should I wear always the same outfit? Especially when I have so many alternatives…"

"How… many…?" If his Brain keeps getting this kind of crashes he ends as a vegetable soon.

"Very many, enough for lots and lots of Tiger Dojos, Emiya-kun." The last two words hit a string in EMIYA's body he didn't knew he had. Ilya is wearing a white blouse, a short black skirt, a dark pantyhose, black pumps and glasses. Her hair is made into a single bun with some strands hanging free, framing her face. But what completes the Image is the collapsible pointer in her hand, making Ilyasviel von Einzbern the archetype of a hot female teacher.

"Ara Emiya-kun, are you undressing me with those eyes?"

"Like hell I am!"

"Che, too bad."

"So what do I need for the kid?"

"I would take it off if you ask you know."

"Ilya…"

"You can even touch T H E M." She bows, putting her arms under her breasts, pronouncing their size. But by now EMIYA has recovered enough wit to counter, it's a brutal method, but he out of options.

"…you are acting more and more like Fuji-nee."

"W-WHAT!"

"Now he got you!" The violet-haired twins, which kept hidden so far, roar in fulfilled revenge.

"You two are still part of this? I thought you had enough. Huh? What are these outfits?"

"S-School uniforms!" Euryale claims blushing.

"I can't believe what Humans came up with, these are embarrassing!" Stheno adds.

"Keeping with the theme, but what you two wear are not School-uniforms."

"Huh?"

"These are kinder-garden-outfits. Preschool, for six-year-olds or younger." The sisters freeze as the revelation sinks in, they turn too Ilya, who is still processing the earlier shock.

"Six-Years-Old…" "Preschool…" On a side-note, Rider can give REALLY scary looks, most think it's because of her mystic eyes. Her sisters show its heredity.

"Emiya, you can go now." "The brat loves swords, just give him one to watch."

"We will be busy." "Justice must be served."

""ILYA!""

EMIYA sees how the close on the White-haired prankster, then he is back on Emiya-estate.

*Scene Break*

"Can't believe it worked." The red Knight followed the Twins advice, tracing a simple, blunt short sword and stabbing it into the ground where the blond toddler would find it. As the child was fascinated by the edgeless weapon the mother came looking for her child, giving EMIYA the opportunity to sneak past.

Then as he entered the warehouse, EMIYA couldn't help but being impressed. Building material, neatly stacked and logically sorted, filled the hall. It makes sense to have everything ready to fix the buildings, even more with the kind of children and wives around here.

The stairs to the lower levels were easily found, and then underground he had the first stroke of Luck in what felt like centuries. The access to the second level underground was secured by a system of runes, glyphs and barriers, even a first-class Magus would need days to penetrate this security, but the whole system was set up to identify members of the Emiya-family and let them pass. Even if it's a former Human like him. The red knight realized this fact with the mixed feelings of relief and annoyance.

Seeing the sub-levels of the Emiya-estate he added astonishment and the urge to face-palm into the mix.

The first sub-level was much like a regular cellar, rooms for plumbing work and electricity, some storage-rooms and even a bathroom.

The second sub-level held an array of magical and regular security, even the access from the 1st level was well hidden. Every unprepared intruder, except EMIYA, would have tripped the alarms at this point. Alas being genetically Shiro Emiya saved him from the magical components and being himself bypassing the technical systems was child-play. Something tells him that Rin designed this system.

The third sub-level left him speechless, a titanic freezer, still being build but once finished it would be able to keep several tons of food fresh. Of course it would be superior to a regular freezer through the use of magic. Not far from the construction-site EMIYA could see a well equipped kitchen, the whole set-up just screamed 'Saber'.

On sub-level four, he finally found a route in the direction Chisame wanted him to go. Some aspects of this level felt familiar to the Spirit, nostalgic even. The walls were reinforced with ceramic plates and every couple of meters were barrier-glyphs engraved. On top of that were heavy steel shutters hidden in the ceiling, ready to seal the path.

To keep one out or to keep something in? Was this the place were they send their children when they got grounded?

No, nothing cute like that. About halfway through the underground-path EMIYA found the reason the heavy security.

"Overpowered wives, Heroic Spirits as nannies, the Blue, the Black Princess of the Vampires and root knows what as children. Yet this surpasses all of it in sheer ridiculousness. Shiro Emiya, you have become a fearsome existence."

The underground-path led past a single door, that door leads into a Magus workshop. As a workshop is the center of Magus research and his most holy sanctum it's natural to secure it tightly. The secrets stored there are the results of generations of work and research, so none save the owner and research-material ever enter it.

This workshop was fundamentally different.

First of all, grouped in two rings around an empty central area were of workplaces, the outer ring was made of individual workplaces. Each was obviously used by a different person, a different magus, but nothing obstructed the view between them. No magus, this or any age, would allow others to see his work.

Even more surprising was the inner ring, more workplaces, but these were shared. Magi don't just work together. It took the prestigious Einzberns 600 years of repeated failure and sacrifice before they even considered working with other magi on a particular important project.

Here was proof of several magi, working peaceful together without hiding anything from each other.

The red knight sees some lose notes on one workplace, mostly documentation of small experiments, but even he can see the potential. Magical research is a joke in this era, many so called discoveries of most mage-families have been made years or even centuries ago by others, but was never made public, instead they hid it. Sometimes to the point of letting the knowledge die, due lack of a talent in the successor. This few sheets of paper would be enough to kill for many magi...

At the back of the room are four more doors, even without opening them EMIYA knows what is behind them two of them. A library with reference-material for and the research-notes of the experiments. A storage-room for the research-material.

No doubt the Mage's Association would wage war for the contents of these rooms.

Door number three turns out to be a small tea-kitchen. And number four leads into a lavish...

"Bedroom? Why would... no... are that chains and... no way, strap-on? He wouldn't, but she would. Oh Shiro Emiya you fool. You poor, lucky fool."

EMIYA has seen enough, he runs, leaving this room. And hopefully, soon leaving this madhouse.

*Scene Break*


	4. Third Blade

Thanks for the Reviews, Story- and Author-Favs!

And extra thanks for my beta-reader HubiKoshi AKA andarion

*Story Start*

Carefully examining his surroundings the red Knight dares to take a deep breath, no one in sight, nothing to hear and even his magical senses detect no immediate thread for him. The sky is so blue, when was the last time he saw it? Well about three hours ago, when he got summoned into that backyard. Sure feels longer to him, a lot longer. The last 30 minutes were uneventful, save for some strange discoveries. Meaning: the Root is preparing a big surprise for him. Might as well meet it head-on. He activates the communicator he got from that Chisame-girl.

"I'm alive and in position. What's next?"

He waits, but not for long. Three minutes after he made the call, the reply comes.

"Respect, no alarms, no explosions, nobody knows where you are."

"Sounds good to me."

"Rin-kaa-san is making a list of things she will do to you."

"Is that so." EMIYA doesn't sound concerned.

"A long list."

"Naturally." A hint of amusement mixes in his voice.

"Don't you care? I would be paralyzed with fear if she was just angry with me. For you she is planning a full-course punishment."

"She isn't searching for me, that is prove that she has no clue where to find me, so she bets on the other wives to catch me. Otherwise she would do everything to get me first."

Besides he just realized: _'I have an Ace in the hole.'_

"At least you are calm, now to business. Your mission right now is a simple retrieval. Get in, grab the goods and begone before anybody sees you."

"Since you didn't include 'find it' I assume you know the exact location?"

"I do, south-east of your location is a three-story-building, a small modern-style apartment-building. On the second floor, the room in the south-western corner. It's my sister Keiko's room. She borrowed a customized PDA from me. _'Just for a bit'_, she said. That was four months ago."

"You couldn't just ask your parents?"

"Tried, but it gets low priority and gets forgotten with everything that happens around here. Besides it's a good test-run for you, easy job and only mild consequences if you fail."

"The trust you put into my abilities is heartwarming."

"Anyway, avoid contact and get my PDA. It's in the beige drawer next to her bed. Call me when you got it."

"Not so fast, who is in there. And exactly is Keiko? A proper briefing is basic for a successful mission."

"Keiko is Rin's daughter. She loves guns and uses her mother's jewel-magic with bullets. Cheaper that way. She uses Reinforcement, Projecting of Rune Bullets, Jewel Crafting and Mana Burst. Don't underestimate her, she got some serious fighting experience."

Surprise, surprise. Here it comes.

"Roger, who else might be there?"

"My younger sister, Karin, might be there, she very close to Keiko. Then Koyuki blue-gray hair-color, gray eyes, she is an ice-user, even when you encounter her, as long you don't attack she will ignore you. Riko might be around, but last info says she is hunting you in the northern sector. Arika, Saber's daughter, looks a lot like her, has a deadly jab. Aya, blonde, golden eyes, some power over water, but her true strength is boosting the power of others, please be nice to her. That should be all."

"Roger, see you on the other side."

*scene break*

Getting into the building was easy, no cameras, no Bulgar-alarm, spell-circles were set up to let Shiro Emiya pass, not even a guard, magical or otherwise. Too damn easy, EMIYA's instincts were screaming, not even the residents were in sight, his guts felt like it was rotating, nothing tried to kill, maim, catch or rape in almost a hour, there had to be a catastrophe with his name on waiting for him.

The first floor was deserted, allowing the red Knight to quickly advance to the stairs. Still nothing.

Double and triple-checking the corridor, he memorizes the layout, furniture, potential entry points, hiding spots and escape routes. Everything relevant for a quick escape, stealth or an ambush.

He sets foot on the stair.

A door opens, his reflexes launch him into cover, hiding he listens. Steps, one person, light-weight, maybe female, maybe child, possibly both. Walking at a normal pace, no sign of discovery. Have a blade ready.

She walks into EMIYA's field of view.

Female, blonde, long hair, average size and weight for approximately 15 years. Magical power more than Chisame less than Riko. Eyes are focused on far side of the corridor, she is going out.

True or trick?

She leaves EMIYA's field of view.

He can't attack a child, not like this, so the red knight forces himself into a more peaceful state of mind. The front door opens, the girls steps out, the door closes. Save...? To early to let the guard down, once more the counter guardian's sharpens his senses.

Nothing.

He takes a half-step out of his cover.

Still nothing.

He leaves the cover.

His senses, all of them, say '_path is clear_'. His experience is whispering '_to easy, hurry_'.

Listening to the latter EMIYA takes the stairs into the second floor then makes a beeline for the targeted room. Nobody on the corridor and no one in the room. The door is locked, Tosaka-style. A small smile forms on the red knight's lips. Nostalgia, he had to deal with this so often... it takes only fifteenth seconds and he is in the room.

The room is surprisingly normal, but EMIYA wouldn't call it girly. A large bed, a desk, a closet, a couple of small, cute pillows and of course the drawer next to the bed, this stuff he expected. A second desk, no more of a workbench, of which half is filled with flasks and items that can't be described other than arcane. Not that surprising, he knows that Rin's daughter is a Magus, a workshop of some kind is normal. It's what fills the other half and the posters in the room that make him wonder, bullets, guns and parts of guns, posters of large caliber weapons and soldiers in heroic poses. That is not what he calls girly. EMIYA blames Shiro, certainly the red-headed wannabe has messed up as a parent, how else would a girl develop such interest in such crude weapons. Swords he would understand, archery he would expect, both are common clubs at many schools in Japan.

Now it makes sense why Chisame couldn't get her device back, this Keiko has to be a brutal delinquent, neglected by her parents, finding like minded friends in dark streets. Now neither her siblings nor her many mothers can reach her and Shiro is useless when comes to girls anyway.

The red knight reconsiders putting a couple of blades into the man, of course for good of the world. Or maybe just '_un-man_' him, a quick death seems unjust in this case.

Putting these thoughts in a mental note, he continues his mission, the drawer. Turns out there are three, top, center and bottom. No charms or magic traps here, could be a simple unprotected piece of furniture. He checks for non-magical traps anyway. Turns out to be the right decision, there is a small alarm, triggered by opening any of the drawers, he carefully disarms the simple trap and opens the bottom drawer.

Stockings, many pairs of them, and a box with bullets, 9mm. EMIYA stares for a second, before he confirms that nothing else is in there.

A pad should be quickly to grab, he tries the top drawer next. It contains a dairy, T-Shirts and a mix of writing utensils.

That leaves the center drawer, he opens it and sees panties. Panties and bras as well. Ignoring a bad feeling he starts searching this drawer as well. A bit hidden under the underwear he find it, a 14 x 23 cm electronic device, being mostly a touchscreen. As he makes the grab for it the door slams open.

"Karin! How often have I told you... huh?"

A red-headed young girl storms into the room. She sees EMIYA with his hands in her drawer.

"P-P-Pervert!"

She explodes in fury, follow by an actual explosion that EMIYA barley dodges. He has his price, but now he has to get it out. Keiko, it has to be Keiko, the family-resemblance is uncanny, is suddenly armed with a rifle and he has little space for maneuvering here. He jumps over the bed putting it between himself and the gunslinger. This cover will buy him only a few seconds, but than is more than enough for this seasoned warrior. The rifle looked like a modified M24, the ammo-clip and the bulge at the internal cartridge mean two more bullets than the standard specs. Equals 8 + 2 + 1 in the Chamber, so eleven shots, leaving 5 more.

*Bang*

Four more.

Rifles. Been a long time since he had to face one, still remembers the tactics against them. He quickly traces two knifes and throws them form his cover.

*Bang**Bang*

The girl shots them down. Two more bullets. Then he has the opening to bring her down without harming her. He traces Kansho and Byakuya and jumps towards the girl.

*Bang**Bang*

The two last shots are fired, the enchanted bullets shatter the black and white blades. But now it's checkmate. EMIYA reaches for Keiko's neck, aiming for the nerve cluster. That is the moment he notices, she dropped the rifle and pulled a revolver, a Pfeifer Zeliska .600 Nitro Express if his memory is right, a really rare and big gun. It's aimed at his torso.

"Oh crap."

"Tell the devil to expand hell's perv-division, I send the rest soon."

She pulls the trigger.

*scene break*

**NEO TIGER DOJO!**

_Round 3_

Again, he is in the re-purposed Dojo of his youth. Checking his body he finds himself intact and pain-free.

"I really could have used this in the Heaven's Feel..."

Steeling his resolve EMIYA looks up, Ilya should be somewhere close, most likely in another outlandish outfit. He wonders if he could trick her into cosplaying Saber... nonono bad thought hero, _bad thought_, don't get sucked into her plan. Finish this fast, get the information from Ilya and then the heck out of here. Good plan, too bad that the white-haired tease isn't anywhere in sight.

Instead the Gorgon-Sisters welcome him.

The Loli on the right begins, "Welcome to your after death counsel."

The Loli on the left continues, "Where your mistakes maybe be redeemed with blood."

That doesn't surprise the red knight.

The polar opposite of a Loli, sitting on the ground in the middle, finishes "I have no clue why I have this dream, but let me enjoy this to the fullest."

The Twins smack her. "_Don't be selfish giantess_." "_Ruin this and you won't get a single drop, __**you understand**__?_"

Yes, that is rider, aka Medusa, between her _older_ sisters, getting _disciplined_ by them. "Why do you think this is a Dream and how did you get here?"

"Ara? I just took a nap and opened my self-seal a bit, Rin has always so sweet, almost innocent fantasies, also you wouldn't believe how innovative Akitsu is and Miya, fufufu, the more proper they pretend to be... kya." The youngest gorgon blushes like a schoolgirl reading the **juicy** part of a shoujo-manga.

Apart that EMIYA has no clue about who Miya and Akitsu are, he is alarmed. Rider just got into his safety, by accident and without realizing what happened, but it still means he is no longer safe here. Also Rider spies on kinky dreams?

"**Don't ignore us!**"

Right, the twins, maybe they brought Rider here. That would mean she couldn't come here on her own. Hopefully...

Full stop, first EMIYA has to understand the situation.

"Where is... the teacher?"

"The Snow-tigress has been sent to the penalty box."

"She is getting easy out of this, but at least we get you just for us."

So no Ilya, is that good or bad? Next Point.

"What are these outfits?"

"You noticed, good."

"From the closet of the german ace of the IS-Academy, Laura Bodewig..."

The Twin of the right, in baggy white pants and high, which look like they belong to a WWII-pilot, and a white blazer with long sleeves with a blue necktie. Is this some kind of military gala-uniform?

"Her school-uniform!"

...okay...

The Twin of the left, in what looks like a gray tight fitting one-piece swimsuit and leg stockings that reach form her thighs to her ankles. She is barefooted. A school-swimsuit?

"Her IS-Suit!"

_What is an IS and what fetishist designs the outfits?_

"**AND**"

They force Rider to stand up. She wearing something black made of strings and a bit fabric. A bikini-top and -bottom with a very, very short skirt. It definitely was made for somebody smaller, a lot smaller, than rider. It looks a bit painful and close to self-destruction by voluptuousness.

"**Her first swim-suit!**"

The twins are finish in the introduction in unison. Since they all wear clothes made for the same person, a small part EMIYA deducts that 'Laura Bodewig' is also a Loli. The rest is trying to avoid a lethal nosebleed by sending the blood into lower regions. Damn you, you old wet dreams of rider from long ago. He has to change the flow of this meeting or thing will get bad -_okay they are already bad_- .

"Hint!" He blurts out.

"What?" All three sisters stop.

"The show is nice and all." "**And all?**"

The small part of the Counter Guardian EMIYA, which is capable of clam judgment and exact analysis under heavy fire, agonizing pain and mind-shattering terror was slowly rebooting itself after the revelation of the sheer number of Emiya-family members that shocked EMIYA's whole self. Now it finally reached the level of stability it needed to act, as all other thoughts focused on lesser functions.

"But I am not here to a school-fashion-show, again."

"Uh..." The twins realize that they already used a school-theme last time, Rider seems confused and the majority of Archer wonders what the smaller part is planning.

"I mean, I was just blasted into Oblivion by a teenager, a heavy-armed, juvenile delinquent sure, it still shakes my confidence."

"Ah, that must been Keiko, but she isn't a delinquent." Rider wakes from her confusion. "She is a bit wild and has Rin's temper, but that's it."

"She shot me with a rifle and a gun."

"So? That is what she chose as her tools, why did you fight anyway?"

"She found me searching her drawer."

"The one with her underwear?"

"Yes..."

"Then be grateful she didn't use grenades. Keiko-chan despises perverts."

Chisame could have mentioned that.

"Why has a teenaged girl access to an arsenal anyway? There are law against that. Brings she her to school too?"

"We are the Emiya-clan, laws of man or mage have little meaning for us. Not even physics mean much to us. The mage association fears the change we bring, but desires our power and resources. The governments have so many contracts with us, we can command armies if we wish to and putting the power of a dozen mage-families aside, we have a Sorceress and a goddess among us. But Keiko-chan knows how to hide her stuff, she also would't use it at school, except in emergency."

That is something too shallow, EMIYA saw the workshops so he can guess what the clan could work in terms of magecraft, he also knows about Aozaki, but government contracts and a goddess? No more important: what kind of goddess or which?

"What do mean with _goddess_? I know you three are fallen ones."

"I mean Alaya-ko, the personification of the Will of Humanity."

"_What_? But Shirou is! _**HOW**_?"

"Divine spirits are not immune to Shiro's charm, it helps that she's a tsundere. Shiro know how handle them just right."

EMIYA can believe that, this also means that his escape gets more and more tricky. His small ball of common sense and genre savvy-ness tells him the rest: they need more information and a miracle. Lets start with the info.

This turns out a lot easier than he expected, Rider gives him a summary of the clan's history.

Beginning after the Heaven's Feel, where Rin somehow managed to keep Saber, then the incident in London, which led to Shiro meeting his blood-related mother and some magical species called Sekirei -_EMIYA still has to precess the mother-part, so that part goes only half-heard –_ of which a dozen or so bond to the young magus. This in turn was part of something called the ekirei-plan and the start shot for the clan, as more and more females fell for the inhuman magnetism of Shiro Emiya. In the aftermath of the Seikirei-plan, Shiro took control of a corporation named MBI giving him access to Money, connections and political power. Meeting and getting the affection of Aoko Aozaki, Altrouge Brunestud and Alaya-ko made the clan a superpower in the magical society as well.

After a while the first children were born and at some point a nanny became necessary, they choose Gilgamesh for his mental endurance. The clan went through hardship and many difficulties, but together they overcame all and eventually build this place, the Emiya-estate. Here the kids can play and explore their abilities while their mothers keep milking the father.

"Say WHAT?"

"Shiro has a nice ass and is so skilled in bed, but we are over 20 wives and he only has that much stamina and his libido is average at best. So we have to act aggressive to get satisfied."

"...and exploring their abilities got me here?"

"No, Haru just wanted somebody to take over his chores."

Rider is talking nonstop, her sisters seem astonished by her current life, EMIYA understands, to fully comprehend the clan and built a working plan just to escape them, even he would need weeks of reconnaissance and research. What he learned from Rider will come in handy, but anymore might overtax that small part on which he relies so heavy. Time to end this.

"So, then how do I avoid certain death in my dance with Keiko"

"Huh?"

"Oh..."

"That..."

The three goddesses look a each other. Suspicion arises in EMIYA.

"You don't know?"

He gets a collective nod.

"Hehe, this is my cue!"

A familiar Voice calls out behind the sisters. Ilyasviel von Einzbern makes her entrance. If EMIYA would know about IS he also would know about Chifuyu Onimura, then he might have known about her swimwear, he doesn't. So nothing prepares him for black temptation Ilya has wrapped herself in. A minimal black bottom, almost disappearing in her curved body, the bikini-top sports three sets of straps in various shades of dark gray, bustier, over the shoulder and around the neck, finally a black band with around her left upper tight draws eyes to her shapely legs. The contrast between Ilya's alabaster skin and dark bikini is somewhat unreal.

"Fighting Keiko in that situation is suicide, but she has an emergency exit under the bed, use it to get away."

She walks towards EMIYA, her hips swinging.

"Now for my reward..."

""**Cheater!**""

Then the twins jump her. A catfight between a former Loli and two eternal Lolis ensures. The red knight looks for the exit, as he tries to get away a hand grabs him. Rider used the fight of the other girls to get unnoticed to EMIYA.

"About rewards, my throat is so parched."

Before anybody can react she reaches for his neck bites him. The motion throws both of them to the ground and EMIYA can feel the voluptuous gorgon press against him, her lips on his skin. Then a the surreal world fades and he feels himself returning to the mortal plane of existence. The last hears is a three voiced "**NOOOO!**"

*scene break*

*interlude in*

"Fufufu, we hit the mother-lode, I almost had it."

"Almost isn't enough."

"Don't worry, I have now everything to succeed next time!"

Two female voices join in scary laughter.

As he returns to his last choice, EMIYA has a vision of a pair of shining glasses and fearsome grin.

*interlude out*

*scene break*

Back again, EMIYA's small collection of survival instincts takes instantly over. Tracing a light-elementar dagger and breaking it for a one-time use as a flash-bang. He rushes under the bed before the light dies down, the exit turns out to be a slide-door in the floor. Without losing his momentum he keeps moving, the door leads to a small tunnel, barely high enough to crawl, between the first and second floor. His improvised flash-bang will buy him only a little time, so he moves fast without any stealth. The tunnel leads to a ladder and again to a tunnel, this time high enough to stand and, what finally calms EMIYA down, leads to several exits all over the estate. He is save for now.

*Chapter end*

please comment, I love feedback


	5. Fourth Blade

*Story Start*

Sun Tzu said: "If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete."

Very simply put, to see the path to victory one needs to know:

himself

the enemy

the battlefield

EMIYA knew himself very well, all he could do, what was beyond him and his limits as well.

Still learning about the complex enemy he was facing, surprises came with alarming regularity, but progress was made, little by little.

The battlefield was another story, even the irregular mix of modern, classic, ancient and futuristic of the Emiya-estate had to follow logic and basic physics. And feng shui.

Thus the red knight made plans. With his limits clear and a good guess about the terrain with an enemy he couldn't face head on. His final goal of escape was out of reach, without knowing what he would face any plan would collapse instantly. Then his body, he had been summoned in the morning, since then he had been hunted for hours. By noon he made a pact with one of his potential enemies and conducted a mission in exchange for knowledge, as a bonus he managed to escape detection and hide himself for now. The sun had set and while his body was sustained by magic, his mind needed relief. So he requested additional to his reward of knowledge one more piece of information from his ally.

*scene break*

"Oh Root, yes!"

It was shortly after midnight.

"Take that you worthless piece of flesh, I'll cut you into shape!"

From the dark corridor Chisame could hear things.

"And THIS and THIIISSSSS!"

She barely recognized the voice of the usually stoic heroic spirit, now laced with vented anger and long overdue frustration.

The sound of metal stabbing flesh, crushing bones and things Chisame never wanted to identify greeted her.

She peeks into the room where he asked her to meet him.

"Think you can escape from me? HAH!"

The red knight has discarded his half-jacket and upper-body-armor, she can see his tanned skin glistering with sweat. With his muscles, tan, bright hair and currently radiating fighting spirit, he resembles Jack Rakan, something that unsettles Chisame.

Blades cut through the air, faster that commonsense would allow, into their many colored prey, turning it into ribbons and bite-sized pieces. The redhead then sees what the Knight is doing.

"Are you cooking?"

*scene break*

EMIYA felt great. While his situation hasn't improved, his condition was getting close to his best. And thanks to this big, well equipped kitchen. Getting the location of it from Chisame made the whole alliance worth his trouble. The stove alone is marvel of modern science melded with the best tradition has to offer and it was extra large. The oven, he never saw a more perfect one before, it was even magically reinforced and heat-insulated. And then the knifes, forks, pots and even every spice he ever heard of was here, ready for use. Just meeting with this divine kitchen was made all his worries seem so insignificant.

He could feed an army of gourmets with this tools at his disposal.

The red knight let his knifes dance as he plundered the fridge for supplies and began working miracles.

"Are you cooking?"

After a while a voice called him back from his dream. He didn't notice the approach of the teenaged girl. _Getting sloppy,_ he chastises himself, but answers without showing any surprise.

"Well yes, what else would I be doing in this magnificent kitchen? Hungry?"

Her half-sekirei stomach is growling, she skipped today's lunch and dinner. The kitchen has been connected to an adjacent dinning room by replacing the wall between them with a bar counter, Chisame takes a seat right in the middle.

"I might just try your dishes. But be warned, here we are used to the cooking of master-chefs. I won't show mercy to a sloppy wannabe."

"I take that challenge. First up, mixed salad!"

EMIYA sends a tablet with the dish and silverware sliding, it stops right in front of the girl. Chisame is taken by surprise, the salad looks like a big flower, mostly like a multicolored lotus. A second look reveals that the _flower_ has been constructed from various vegetables, cut and arranged just to create this look, and is covered with some kind of sauce and small bread cubes. She takes the fork and tries to pluck one the _petals_, the fork penetrates it without problem, allowing her to take the petal without any resistance. She takes a bite.

The bread cubes are crunchy as if just baked, the sauce mixes a slightly spicy flavor with a refreshing sour note, but the real highlight is how they harmony with the vegetables, resulting in a deep, full taste. Chisame is at a loss for words.

"Whoa, this is... it's..."

The red knight turned chef breaks her amazement. "Usually I would serve white wine to the salad, but I doubt your parents would approve, so how about chilled green tea?"

"Green tea to salad?"

"Just give it a try. Or would prefer the same as your purple-haired sister? Then I'm afraid I have to disappoint you."

"I'm not a bloodsucker! And neither is Riko, she just has sometimes impulses she can't always control. By the way, with you it was really bad, worse that I ever saw or heard."

"The curse of my inhuman magnetism, no doubt." Sarcasm dripped from the Knight's words, making one thing clear to Chisame, this man has suffered at the hand of wanna-be suitors. "Also by the way, who else triggers her impulses?"

The redhead puts her analysis on hold to focus on the present. "I know of two more incidents. The first when she was five, an old friend of Rin-kaa-san came to visit, a woman named Mitsuzuri. She couldn't resist to pick up the cute, little Riko and embraced her. Riko couldn't resist the shapely nape and took a bite, she hit a nerve by pure instinct making Mitsuzuri-san feel really good. Rider-kaa-san says they looked so adorable together."

"I assume Ayako's memories were modified after that?"

"Ayako? You mean Mitsuzuri-san? I believe so. The other incident was about a year ago, when Kyon's not-my-girlfriend came to visit. She is a Reality-Bender and doesn't know it, founded a school-club to find Aliens, Time-Travelers, Espers and Sliders, guess what the other members are, she thinks bookworm, fan-service-incarnate and mysterious transfer-student."

"I guess, she is very wrong about them?" The heroic spirit deadpans.

"They still lack a Slider. The true prime directive of this club is to keep that genki girl under control, prevent her from finding out the truth before she is ready and help her to mature to the point she can be told the truth."

"So how did she take being Riko's snack?"

"The main-house turned into a medieval castle, we were hunting zombies, werewolves, low grade vampires and the members of that hard-rock-band Kiss for a week, with Riko playing Dracula's wife."

"And Dracula?"

"Played by said genki girl. She had Kyon, clad in tight leather-armor, hunt her down and tie her up."

"No staking her? I wonder if she was trying to tell him something."

"She calls love a disease and claims to be immune. Still acts jealous if Kyon spends any time near another girl, including some of his sisters."

"I see. Enough with the soap opera, the soup is ready." Chisame's empty plate is replaced with a small bowl with a thick red and white fluid, with bread cubes in it. She didn't even noticed herself eating the salad, but still felt the taste in her mouth. "Tomato-cream-soup with chive and my very own spice-mix."

She braces for the impact, but is still overwhelmed by the taste. The soup has the perfect temperature, just so warm it doesn't hurt anywhere in mouth. The bread cubes, now soaked with soup, give the taste a rhythm, changing between smooth liquid and crisp toast. The taste itself is full, deep and engulfs the whole mouth, invading her taste-buds. Then it's over and Chisame stares at the empty bowl. "Wow..."

"I hope it was satisfying."

"It-it was." Again is the redhead at a loss for words, the summoned knight might have culinary skills well above Gilgamesh or even her father. What's with all these men being such incredible cooks?

"Excellent. Say, could you satisfy my curiosity?" The knight puts something next to her tablet. It's the PDA she asked him to retrieve.

"About what?" Chisame began see a pattern, apparently every course of his menu had to be paid with information.

"Where did you get this device from?"

"Bought it online, it's a regular hand-held tablet-PC, made by the IT-branch of MBI."

"No, it was once a regular tablet. I can tell it was modified using magecraft."

"Yes, I asked one of my brothers to do so."

"One of your brother? Why not one of your mothers or your father?"

"Because I wanted to keep things quiet, my mom would make a huge show out of it and definitely put in some _surprises_, no thanks. Daddy isn't really good with tech, not enough to mod a PC. Most of the other can use a computer but don't care about the _how_." Which made Chisame the regular fixer of many problems her family run into, most viruses and hacked sites, again because her mother was to mischievous to be trusted. "I have a little sister who is an expert with IT, but has little knowledge about magic. That leaves the one other family-member which specializes in both, tech and magic, Souhiro Aozaki-Emiya."

"Aozaki? So he the son of the Blue?"

"No, her nephew, dad also got involved with Aoko-kaa-san's big sister, Touko-kaa-san." The last revelation made EMIYA face-fault. "And before you ask, he carries the Aozaki-name, because he is going to be the head of the family. The Aozaki's didn't dare to mess with Aoko-kaa-san, who insisted raising her son an Emiya, but when Touko-kaa-san gave birth to Souhiro they insisted on him inheriting the family-name."

"And that worked?"

"They have a lot of influence, especially in Japan. Touko-kaa-san agreed after some negotiations and Aoko-kaa-san feels being head of a family is to much trouble. That's why Souhiro spends most of his time with the Aozakis, he has to inherit their magic."

"So that guy has to learn some stiff old style, sounds troublesome."

"He already mastered it."

"Beg your pardon?"

"He mastered the collected mysteria of the Aozaki, save for the Blue and the forbidden tricks of his mother. Right now he is developing it further and revamping it into his personal style, which is best described as a merging of magic and technology."

"So he is a genius?"

"That's not the right word, he's closer to an absent-minded professor, always this sleepy expression or idiotic smile on his face. He frequently forgets to shower, spends days working on something without sleeping and when some strange thing tries to attack him might just ignore it in favor of his work."

"That's pretty extreme. How could he survive ignoring an attack?"

"His Lab-coat is an arsenal with some autonomous functions. I admit, I might exaggerate a bit. Souhiro can act normal, he just rarely bothers to. Then again when he does something, it's also extreme. I saw him once at a social function between mage-families, at first I didn't recognized him." The memories of that day give Chisame a wide grin. "He was in a black smoking, his hair in a silky ponytail, looking hot as hell and he sweet-talked a dozen of these old-school-schemers and harpies into admitting some really embarrassing things to him. He left that party with a collection of favors and juicy secrets. I asked him later why he did that, he said it was part of his duties he couldn't avoid so he got over it as fast as possible, so he could return to his workshop. And he was right, with that one night he got enough political pull to afford some years without these parties and a reputation that made the upper society fear and desire him."

"No effort to big for his laziness, and he modded your pad?"

"Asked him for that favor, he asked me to tutor him in the advanced usage of computers and a some help later. This baby can even keep up with the tech they have a the university at my campus. And he isn't lazy, he is doing things at his pace and _only_ his pace. Once he is working he is a high-performance-machine, leaving anybody watching speechless."

"Help? For what?"

Before Chisame could answer the question a new voice interrupted.

"Do I smell pasta?" A tall blond girl, walks into the dinning-room, apparently following her nose.

"Arika-nee?" The red knight retreats deeper into the kitchen,

"Chisame-chan? You made a midnight snack?"

"Not me, but I'm enjoy a very late dinner. Missed the normal and lunch today."

"You poor thing, may I join you? Food is far more delicious when eaten together." The blonde's eye sparkle with stars at the prospect of a meal, EMIYA feels strongly reminded of someone he knew well. He moves, seeking and finding eye-contact with Chisame, hoping she understands his intentions. She does.

"You know Saber-kaa-san is a bit more honest when she asks for an extra portion, Onee-san." A subtle revelation, Arika is Saber's child, who knew her offspring would grow this big. The girl is around 180 cm, with her mother's eyes and golden hair, including the ahoge.

"A big girl needs her sustenance, if I don't nurture these two they might leave me for good. So where is it?" And her appetite and breast-size or lack of it. EMIYA suppresses a laugh and lets one more tablet with a salad slide to the middle of the counter.

Chisame explains "Tonight's first course is salad, then soup, I'm still waiting for the main course."

A plate with pasta appears before the redhead, see takes a moment to take in the view, it's more like a hybrid between pasta and lasagne, many layers with different noddles and ingredients. She can make out three kinds of meat, mushrooms, lots of molten cheese and the faint aroma of paprika.

Arika interrupts her inspection "What just happened?" The blond is starring at her now empty plate, wondering where the salad went, then at the redhead. Chisame can see how her sister slowly realizes that she ate the whole thing without actually noticing it. The red knight's cooking is truly fearsome.

EMIYA switches Arika's empty plate with the soup while she is distracted. The smell of the soup gets the blonde's attention back to the meal. This time Chisame watches closely, she will discover what effect exactly the food has or die trying. Arika takes a spoonful, the pleasure caused by the incredible taste is clearly visible on the older girl's face. Then she takes another and another, the whole bowl gets emptied with quick and precise spoon-strikes, while her facial expression didn't change at all. Eating in a trance, speak of scary.

Chisame glances at her pasta, well at least she knows it will be good.

In the meantime, EMIYA was facing a dilemma, the longer he stayed here, the greater the risk of discovery became. While it was around 1 AM and accordingly quite in the house, Arika's appearance proved that the local sleeping hours were flexible. Anytime someone far more dangerous than a hungry girl could come, the smell of his cooking rises the probability to attract _somebody_ even more. He should get moving, but this oven was _so sweet,_ even the kitchen-knifes here met all standards of the counter guardian. Every. Single. One... Just one more course, it was not too dangerous and worth the little risk.

With that thought he replaced the blonde girl's empty soup-bowl with a plate of pasta.

The two girls finished their pasta, looking both satisfied and disappointed at once, the food was more than excellent, but the eating was over far to soon. Arika is looking especially distressed.

"Chi-chan? There is more, right?" She turns her tear-filled eyes to her sister.

"...uh." Chisame winces, Arika put on _puppy-eyes_, tear-filled left in a card-box in the rain puppy-eyes, just looking at that makes one feel guilty. To actually deny a request made with those is the emotional equivalent to driving over that puppies, with a bulldozer. She cracks under the pressure. "Snake? Anything left?"

The answer saves Chisame from further dilemma "Dessert is ready in just a minute."

Arika's eyes sparkle as she squees to the announcement of more delicacies. "Dessert, dessert, oh wonderful dessert!" Chisame fights the urge to facepalm, the food is good but not that... well maybe it is. But her sister should try harder to keep her wits and dignity. "By the way, Chisame-chan? Who is the cook? I'm sure I would recognize such utterly magnificent creations if I had them before in this life or my last five."

She knows taste from how past lives? At least Chisame has a cover-story ready "He's new, Haru tried to hire somebody to take care of primmy for him and this poor guy answered the ad."

"How awful, I have to give Haru a piece of my mind."

The redhead ignores the blondes interruption. "Fuuko and Riko saved him, then he met Gil and some of our mothers with the usual consequences. I helped him hiding since then and until we find a way to get him out of here we make the best of it."

"What beautiful friendship with benefits. I mean," A halo of light illuminates Arika. "For such a meal he has my eternal gratitude! No one shall harm a cook so marvelous in my presence, so swears Arika Emiya!"

The younger sister sweatdrops before the pathos of her older sister. As they say, a grudge over food is scary, apparently gratefulness over food is in the same class. Arika's heroic posing is end by the arrival of the dessert. As EMIYA places two crystal-bowls filled with Ice-cream before the girls with a smile. "You have my thanks, my dear golden knight."

Arika is stunned by the sight, tanned skin, carefully honed muscled arms, hawk-like eyes and silver hair.

Chisame is less impressed. "Before I forget it, these are for you." She put a small plastic container with several blue and red pills on the counter. "Age deceiving pills, the reds make you look older the blues make you look younger by a powerful illusion. These here a top-quality, not even magical law-enforcement can see through them."

"Sound useful, thank you." With the pills in hand EMIYA returns into the deeps of the kitchen.

"So now to the dessert. Um nee-san?"`Arika is still frozen in a pose, reminding Chisame of Tsukiumi-kaa-san whenever she saw tried to lecture Rin-kaa-san. (because that **always** ended up with Shiro getting stripped)

"He. Ha. Him. Har. Haru."

"Haru?"

"Haru hired him? That is our new cook? We have to _keep_ **him**!"

"What? You agreed to help him escape!"

"I refuse to give up on a good looking, young master cook of this caliber!"

Chisame bang her head into the counter. This backfired in an unexpected way. "How about eating first?"

The girls look at the served ice-cream, though calling it ice-cream is like call the Everest a mountain. Through the crystal-bowls they can see thin layers of different ice-sorts alternating with layers of different fruits. On top of the many layers is caramel-sauce arranged with waffle-rolls. Arika can't resist, neither can Chisame, they take each a spoon of the sweet temptation. As soon as it land on their tongues all thought of the cook of made it is replaced by deep bliss. By the time they are finished EMIYA was long gone.

*scene break*

With a grace and stealth that would cause envy in any ninja, EMIYA once more slipped into the vast network of tunnels under the estate. His escape was well timed and his route planned out, as he walked the dark underground-path one feeling kept coming up: It was too long since his last trauma. He had almost 5 hours of relative rest, including a very therapeutic cooking session completed by the big eater which praised with work to the heavens. He was in range of Rin Tosaka after all, a Rin that knew exactly who he is, by now it should rain destruction on him while the red devil teased him seven ways till Sunday. Maybe he should cause an incident, something to keep fate entertained enough to let the big guns rest? He wondered if he could include Shiro into this idea, it would be a nice bonus.

Also here is an interesting fact about the Counter Guardian EMIYA: Through countless days of real battle in various wars, he achieved an incredible level of reflexes and well honed reactions. Even when wandering in deep thought his body reacts to any direct thread without fail. Like when a tentacle monster tries to attack him. Just like right now.

By the time EMIYA noticed the attacker he had traced his favorite twin swords and slashed the beast in a dozen with a single, fluid motion. "What was that?" On closer examination the creature looked like a nightmare made from noodles.

Further analysis was put on hold as a female voice answered his question "This is what happens if our little boy is let into a kitchen, I think he tried to make spaghetti." A gray-haired, woman in black-clothing appeared from the darkness of the tunnel, at her side a nodachi. EMIYA sensed an overwhelming smell of blood from her. "So, who are you?"

Maybe he could get past her with out a fight. "Long story short, I'm a simple victim of this family's antics. And kind of stuck here and looking for a way out."

"And not even a bit shaken by a KTC? One of countless abnominal food-creatures? The _simple_ part seems untrue. You're not human, or not anymore, maybe a zombie?" The woman grins at EMIYA. It is not a gentle or warm expression.

"...kind of."

"A strong zombie?"

"Kind of Zombie, I'm more of a spirit than a moving corpse."

"So a heroic spirit, perfect!" Her grin got even wider as she drew her blade. "Fight me!"

"Eh, what?"

"You killed my prey, so take responsibility and provide me with some fun!" She attacked, moving faster than a human ever could, at least a normal human, for EMIYA it was nothing he couldn't handle, tracing a durable short-sword he caught her attack and stopped her sword in mid-swing. This made the female only more excited. He noticed a sparkle at her ring-finger, identifying her as a married woman.

"I already see, no stopping you, may I at least have your name?" Silently praying, the knight hopes she isn't another mind-shattering surprise.

"You are right, were did leave my manners? Sekirei No.4, Karasuba Emiya." This confirms her a woman that could take living with Shiro. EMIYA decides to end this fight quickly. In the corner of his eye he sees a chance to do exactly so.

"I'm Archer, nice to meet you and goodbye." His words confuse her and as he twists his body to what appears to be a strike with a second blade the gray-haired goes into a defensive stance. The attack never comes, instead the red knight jumped to nearby ladder and fled to the upside, leaving the black Sekirei behind.

About ten seconds, that is how of a head-start his little maneuver got him. The darkness gives him some cover but he is still not that familiar with the land, so he goes for maximal speed and the thickest cover he can find. A small, dark pool or lake would be ideal, as he doesn't need to breathe. Again his reflexes save him from injury as a small beam of blue light cuts his escape short.

"Were is karas-chan? And who are you?" The voice is female(surprise, surprise), disorted and coming from multiple directions(some kind of magecraft) and EMIYA is sure the newcomer has already change positions since the initial attack.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking." And it sounds like his head-start is already gone. "Just make sure he doesn't run again, I want too cut him up a little." The Woman from before is coming and she looks positively excited, the I-want-to-cut-so-bad-type of excitement. Sword-woman in-front and a magic-shooter in cover, this will take some time.

*scene break*

**NEO TIGER DOJO!**

_Round 4_

"What the? How did I die this time? I know I outmatch that smiling creep! Huh?" His body is uninjured, his clothing is spotless, but still he feels his hands shaking and cold sweat on his back.

"Fool! Be grateful for not knowing!"

"Yes! Ignorance is bliss! For you even more than for others!"

The gorgon-twins, at least they spared EMIYA a physical welcome. And they have new outfits. This time they are wearing loli-versions of Rider's battle-outfit, a strap-less, sleeve-less short black dress, magenta collar-like stokers, bands and handcuffs with long black sleeves, cutoff black legging with magenta armor to the legs, and black shoes. And magenta blindfolds.

It is kind of cute. More so since they try to point their fingers at him, but point to a spot several meters to his right. Guess the blindfolds are non-magical.

Following the preview pattern Illya should make her entrace about...

"Onii-chan!"

...Now. EMIYA doesn't even need to look, he knows that the silver-haired girl just grabbed his left arm and put him between her cleavage.

"Hey don't ignore me!"

And his right arm too. Wait, she got both his arms. How? Now he looks at his sides.

On the left is Illya, in a burgundy blouse with a brooch, a white skirt, thigh-high white boots, and navy colored tights. Unlike the earlier cosplay this looks more like a high-end fashion, befitting a noble girl like her.

And on his right side is another silver-haired girl, keeping her hair in a long braid. She is more tanned and has a far more toned musculature than he ever saw on Illya. Her Outfit looks like a female version of his own, a red half-jacket and lower coat, but black stocking and miniskirt instead of pants. Her boots are also less armored that his own.

His own... A terrible though appears in the knights mind. Knocking the small part of invaluable instincts aside it throws his mental landscape into chaos.

"This is what happened to me, right? I ran into one of the crazy broads Shiro calls wife and she turned me into a girl, with clothes and all. Oh god, I considered joining those I can't beat, but not marring into the family!"

The girls at his side fall in to uncontrollable laughter. The gorgons roll on the floor while holding their stomachs.

"That's too, hahaha, too funny, oh gods, hahaha!"

"I would never thought of that, hahaha, that just made my day!"

Illya clams down enough to talk normally. "Don't worry onii-chan, you ran into the Blue and got blasted really good. Well at first you were just shocked by the mere sight of her and that was when Karasuba cut you arms off, you still managed to kick her into the head for a knockout but that made Aoko really angry. She had no time to adjust her power or you would have escaped and she was pissed. So it was a really big blast!"

EMIYA recovers from mental shock.

EMIYA regains speech.

"So who is she?" He nods to the red-clad girl on this right arm.

"This is Archerko! Your biggest fan! And cutest Hero of them all!"

"My what? Who would ever consider me worth of being fan-ed over?"

The silver-haired girls look at each other, then they grin at the red knight. Their smiles are positively feline and suddenly feels like a canary before two cats. Rin used this kind of smile with great effect. Then he finally notices it, while Archerko's face has sharper lines, but her red eyes and the rough form of the face are identical to...

"Illya? You are both versions of Illya?"

"Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!" The two are have even the same voice, speaking in unison.

"I'm an Illya that chose a quite difficult path, but today it pays off. Hmm, these ABS." The red-clad girl gentle strokes over EMIYA's stomach.

"That's nothing, check out his butt!" While the purple-clad Illya grabs his backside rather roughly.

"Hey, now wait!" While the news that he wasn't feminized took a load of his mind, being molested by **two** grown-up versions of the girl he considered his little sister made him feel, putting it mildly, strange.

*scene break*

I deep darkness, two round, glowing Moons over a glowing crescent.

"Fufufu, it is time! It is time! Gotta catch him with a rhyme!"

A annoyed voice intervenes

"That's a poor rhyme and stop with the creepy laugh, focus! This one is a master in getting out of traps and last second escapes. Don't let him or her notice want's going, we can only get this as alone we have the advantage."

"Matsu knows! And Alaya-tan is too nervous, fishing needs to be **FUN**!"

*scene break*

"Wait! Please listen! OW! And you two stop biting me! OWW!"

Unwilling to hurt the girls, EMIYA finds himself on the ground in holds from Illya and Archerko, while the gorgon-twins ditched their blindfolds, that was when things started to really suck. Literally.

"I hunted you down through ages and realities! Nothing will keep me from my prize!" Archerko is very enthusiastic about this _match_ and shamelessly grabs at every part EMIYA's defense don't cover.

"I even got mama's outfit out for this time, I demand satisfaction and you shall feel satisfaction as well." Were Archerko attacks at every opportunity, Illya has a set goal and goes straight for it. Her determination is noting short of awe-inspiring. The goal being EMIYA's pants and her face having the feline look of a cat that found a bowl of cream, make the man in question wonder when he got demoted from _canary_ to _cream_.

To avoid taking the Illya-Route he has to use a forbidden technique, the price will be horrible, but it's a worthy scarifice.

"Can. This. Get. Any. Worse?"

The girls stop and gasp, the gorgon-twins even jump back and run into cover.

Nothing is happening.

"Onii-chan, that was very dangerous and stupid! Do you know what could happen if you say something like..."

Before Illya can finish the floor below them collapses in a spinning black void.

EMIYA knows exactly how tempting fate turns out. The blackness engulfs them, EMIYA feel his limbs pierced by needle-like things, he doesn't dare to check nor would see anything in this light-less void. Then he feels a pull...

*scene break*

Slowly his conscious returned from the blackness, by habit EMIYA did not show any outward sign of waking up, while he took inventory of his body.

Head, still there, attached to neck and turn to torso. Spine seems fine too.

Right arm, there not even broken, fingers are present and even complete, same for the left arm.

Legs, upper tights, knees, lower tights, ankles and and feet. All connected and in working order.

Next is the skin, he feel his armor and clothes, better than he hoped for. He notices one more thing: restrains, he lies on something flat and hard, like a table, his wrists and ankles bound.

Expanding his senses he tries to determine his surroundings.

"Fufufu, check out this ABS! These arms! That tight little ass! Matsu wants to experiment so bad!"

Matsu, he heard that name before, it gives him goosebumps.

"Hands off red, we hunted that ass for longer that you live, we have dips of him!"

Is that Illya? Or Archerko? Is he still in some kind of spirit-realm?

"How did you girls end up here anyway?"

A more mature, female voice. Girls? And where is here?

"Matsu doesn't care! Matsu wants his white, hot DNA!"

"No! Please I need him, don't take him away."

Not only Archerko, this was Ilya. EMIYA risks a look, open his eyes just minimally. Illya and Archerko are sitting a the far wall, tightly bond, in a rather risky way, with ropes pronouncing their breasts. Big tears are slowly rolling over Illya's cheeks, as she pleads for her Onii-chan.

"My virginity has his name on it!" The man in question realizes, he jumped from a tight spot into a black hole of probability and it only bought him to hell.

"No, no, no! Matsu won't wait for it any longer!"

"Then how together?" Archerko, now that he can see them he can determine who is talking, makes an offer. She turn to Illya and licks the tears from her face in a very suggestive way. "These young virginal, half-Japanese twins offer their bodies for a shared night in utter debauchery."

"Honorable mothers?" A new voice, male, young, bright red hair and lab-coat, he is faceing away from EMIYA, he can't see the boys face. "I don't understand. As far I know Sekirei are physically unable to break their vows and take a partner other her Ashikabi, so why would Matsu-kaa-san even consider an other man, even more react so violent to one?"

Matsu is looking to a white-haired, red-eyed Woman, the other voice from before?

"These are very special circumstances, a loophole in the Ashikabi-deal and a chance to double our heavenly right of nightly fun!"

"You are dancing around the point with cryptic rhetoric. I still want an answer." The boy takes family-bonds serious and the wives are unwilling with the truth, a chance to get out of here?

The answer, to EMIYA's surprise, came from the rafters above, where a young boy with red-brown hair in a short ponytail was perched with his nose in a book.

"'Cause that's not 'another man', Souhiro-nii-san. Rin-kaa never described him in so many words, but she drops hints often enough... Like she's bitter about her Fifth Grail War Servant using himself as bait for Caster, or something. The future-version of Tou-san who got himself turned into a Counter Guardian, remember?"

"I must have missed these stories, but I see. Then it should be fine."

He just accepts it. That was too much for EMIYA.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Mothers, he is awake."

"Oh crap." So much for playing dead.

The females are staring at EMIYA, like a pack lionesses they size him up, planning how to devour him. He needs to take the initiative.

"How comes these two are here?" he nods to the double Illya.

The boy answers him. "Their bodies are similar to servants, closest example would be saber-kaa-san. I believe when Alayako-kaa-san pulled you here the girls refused to let you go and simply got pulled along. The involved energy was an absurd amount, then a variant of the third magic was somehow invoked, since both are Einzberns it might have been them on an instinctual act, turning themselfes into quasi-servants, sans a spirit-form."

And no room for Questions, new topic, new topic...

"Do all you mothers have a such a torture-device ready or is that Matsu just so much of a mad scientist?"

"Matsu objects! That is no torture-device and Matsu is no mad scientist!"

The red-head joins EMIYA's side of the argument, finally is something working. "He has a point, such a restraint is hardly relevant for a hacker as you."

The brunette boy voices his take on the subject. "Uhm, nii-san, I think it's not used by Kaa-san for Hacker-relevant activities."

The brained female takes the word. "Shinta is right! Matsu uses it for experimenting on your father! Fufufu!"

"...Mad scientist." EMIYA understands, but ending the argument would bring nothing, keeping it running will at least buy some time. Even when that means that is strapped into a kinky device made for Shiro... I the back of his head an idea sparked into existence.

The red-head doesn't get the subtext. "Forcing father into merciless bondage, that thing isn't even medical-quality. What kind experiment could see success under such unreliable circumstances?"

The other boy, Illya and Archerko blush, the images that question summoned are just too much to take for them.

EMIYA's idea has by now matured into a plan, a simple one, but it's his only hope right now.

Alaya-ko can't take the mood anymore. "She straps him into this and rides him **hard**, enjoying some very kinky fantasies." That leaves the room silent for a moment, then Souhiro speaks.

"So she uses that table for sex? Rather inefficient, I build better suited constructions in less than an hour."Souhiro says this with a perfectly straight face.

"WHAT! WHY? FOR WHOM?" Now it's Matsu's turn to blush.

"Beds, armchairs and thing I have no names for. For Money. For grand-mother, some of her friends, a college professor." Souhiro calmly counts with his fingers. "A couple of CEOs, two politicians and the vice-director of Atlas."

The restrains on the table were only meant for play, even with some magical reinforcement for durability, they are not meant to withstand a focused attack. There is no protection against more magic. With a quick burst EMIYA overload what the bindings can hold and is on his feet. Then he runs. They won't hurt Illya and Archerko, which probably can free themselves anyway, they only want him, so he runs alone.

His earlier studies of the building pay now off, he can tell he is in the main-house, the closest building to the exit of the estate. Only two minutes to the entrance hall and then seconds to the main-gate. It is now or never. Then he hears speakers crackle.

"Red Alert! Red Alert! We have a code Zel 1! Repeat! We have a code Zel 1! Everyone into the main entrance hall, ASAP!"

That was Matsu, EMIYA doesn't understand the code, but it's too late, they can't intercept him now. He is already in the hall, spanning several floors in height, with a gallery two side it reminds one of a Colosseum, still he isn't slowing down. EMIYA sees the door. And the purple-haired woman in front of it. "Bazett?" Is all what he brings out before her fist meets his face and sends him flying. By the time he lands on the ground and takes a stance, more clan-members have arrived. He recognizes the red-hair of the Blue. Saber petite figure is there too, clad in her silver armor. Rider takes a position above and behind him. And is that Caster trying to hide behind Sakura? Speaking of servants, Gilgamesh just took position to his right, two steps out of his slashing range. Even more, adults, teenager and children are pouring into the hall, now even more of a Colosseum that just minutes ago. He feels a familiar gaze on him, Rin has arrived, EMIYA doesn't dare to meet her eyes.

"There he is!" Matsu has arrived, together with the brunette boy, Souhiro, Alaya-ko, Illya and Archerko.

"Who is that?" Another brunette, this one an adult female with a long ahoge, asks the question most of the clansmen have.

The brunette boy answers. "He is Servant Archer of the 5th Heavens Feel, Counter Guardian Shiro Emiya. Rin-kaa-san's former servant and an alternative future of daddy."

Now EMIYA feels the gaze of everyone in the room on him, with the revelation of red knight = Shiro, about half of these looks turn lustful. Now would be a good time for a Tiger-Dojo, but he just knows he won't be that lucky.

*Chapter end*


	6. Fifth Blade

*Story Start*

The Counter Guardian EMIYA in Life and after, has seen many terrifying things and experienced countless horrible events. Surrounded by hundreds Dead Apostles while protecting unreliable allies. Hunting a Lord-class elemental through an active volcano. Cities where all life was consumed by gray slime. The legendary duel between Archtype-Earth Arcueid Brunestud and a fully unsealed Alucard of the Hellsing-organisation.

Of course he felt fear, it would be madness not to be afraid of such things. Part was his lack of self-worth and distorted sense of values. He just refused to give in to fear, he swung his blades, improvised plans and bet everything on the small chance of victory. All of this was possible due EMIYA's lack of hesitation and overcoming of fear.

But right now he is paralyzed with fear. His legs, which carried him through hell and back, tremble. In his hand, the black and white blades he swung countless times, never felt heavier. His eyes, capable of counting the leaves on a tree from miles away see no hope. His plans, turning 1% into glorious success, only confirm what his instincts tell him. Not even death would grant him mercy in this distorted madness.

That madness goes by the name of Emiya-clan, as far EMIYA understands it in this reality Shiro Emiya got married very early, then again and again as he couldn't deny any of the many women he attracted. Many **powerful** women, which in turn gave birth to equally gifted children. One of these just announced EMIYA's identity to the gathered family, wives, children and miscellaneous, only the father was missing as he was away on business. Now the gaze of over twenty women who share all the same man lies on his, an alternate version of that very man. It doesn't take a mind-reader to see what they are thinking.

The younger generations is more varied in their reactions, mostly surprise. "Ah! The pervert from yesterday!" Some anger. "The master-cook! Catch and chain him to an oven!" Some greed mixed with gluttony. "...damn Snake, I'm sorry." A little bit regret.

And then _him_, King of Heroes Gilgamesh, AKA King of Nannies. He stood there with an unreadable expression on his face. "Welcome to hell faker, you will regret avoiding my earlier mercy."

"Trying to GoB me was an intended mercy?" This was unexpected, even more from Gilgamesh. "Not that it would have worked, I been cursed with infinite extra lives."

"Then know you have my pity, though I will enjoy seeing you suffer." Still, the golden King keeps standing next to the red Knight, giving EMIYA a small, comradely feeling of a man who knows his pain. Though, that makes the situation as a whole even scarier.

"Wait one moment please." A tall, purple-haired boy with glasses takes the word. "I understand that Haru tried to ditch his duties and that he summoned somebody to do so. But what makes you say, this is Shiro Emiya? I need to see some proof before I believe something like that."

Was this a silver of light at the horizon? If the clan-members would shift their attention just for a second EMIYA could make an escape. The lab-coated red-head from earlier ruins that.

"He has father's fingerprints, his teeth also match most of father's dental records." Souhiro is holding up sheets documenting his claims. "Further father also broke his right shoulder in high-school, that left a collection of scars, he has the same. Speaking of scars, we all know the star-burst-scar on father's chest, caused by Gae Bolg, this man has a perfect match, as are his intestinal-scars. I have started a DNA-test, but that needs a bit more time."

Shinta raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Nii-san, you have dad's medical records on hand?"

Souhiro dismissively waves his hand. "Please, I always have the up-to-date medical data, history and recommended procedures for every member of the family ready."

"Impressive, but why?"

"You never know when you have an emergency and I doubt normal doctors can be relied on. That's also why I always carry three sets of artificial organs and my medical tools with me."

"I never knew that."

"I never told."

A new voice takes the word, this one sends cold shivers down EMIYA's spine, only out of habit his poker-face stays on. "That should be enough proof of identity. Now, Heroic Spirit EMIYA, no. Calling you Archer is less confusing for everybody." Rin, standing a floor above him, stares down at the red knight. Once more EMIYA sees the eyes of a feline predator. "Without a doubt this is the same servant I summoned many years ago, as his original master I claim my right for personal revenge onto him."

Keiko jumps to a conclusion. "Revenge? What has that perv done to you mama? I swear, if he assaulted you, I stuff him with explosive and burn him alive."

Rin's eyes look from her former servant to her daughter and back. "Perv? Archer..." She puts on that really scary smile of hers. EMIYA feels the air-temperature around him dropping. "...why is my child calling you a pervert?"

But his poker-face holds and his voice is smug and slightly amused, at least on the outside he maintains an illusion of control. "A misunderstanding, I was looking for additional equipment in her room, you know she has quite a collection, when she came in I was at her dresser, in the underwear-section. The rest is flying lead, explosions and burning panties."

Keiko is speechless, this version makes her look like a trigger-happy maniac and that Archer-guy like the victim!

"Yes, this sounds perfectly possible." Rin loses some of her anger, but she still sports her scary smile. "A bit too perfect, you are hiding something."

Rin hasn't lost any of her debate-sense, well for her trying to talk him into submission, EMIYA has planned. The plants the bait. "So?"

"I won't let you feed me anymore of your amnesia-crap or _I forgot to tell_-lines, if I have to force the whole story out you, then I will happily do so!" She bites.

"Oh dear me, are you talking about torture?"

"You can bet on it!"

"Water-boarding?"

"Sure!"

"Setting my hair on fire?"

"With burning oil!"

"Beat me in my most delicate places?" Despite Rin's fury, EMIYA keeps a smug disposition. It fuels her flame.

"That and way more you overconfident, backstabbing, scheming incarnation of Zelretch!" And she took the bait, including hook, line and sinker. Time too pull in the catch.

"Not Zelretch, Emiya, I'm a incarnation of the entity known as Shiro Emiya. Which leads to a very rare phenomenon..." Rin's anger dissipates as she processes the information, then it comes to her, once more she forgot the single, most important detail of a situation. Archer continues. "Synchronicity! As the world considers all instances of an entity the same being, so even with separate bodies, the mind and memories mix. So if you burn, drown, cut or beat me in cruel ways, be sure that Shiro will know. Even more he will feel as if it happened to **him**."

The room turns silent, part of it is the revealed information, but most of these gathered here have never seen Rin lose in an argument so fast and through. EMIYA is using the breather to confirm his situation. It still has no way out, Bazett has taken position at the door, now with reinforcements in form of the gray-haired woman from yesterday and Saber. Behind him is Rider, laying in ambush. On the gallery, left and right from his position, he sees the bulk of the clan, this includes the long red hair of the Blue, Sakura's purple, Caster's light-blue and a wide collection of many others. Next to him stands Gilgamesh, quite amused by the recent events. Ah, and Illya tries to sneak on him for a glomp-attack, when did she get free?

As for his Paraphernalia, the communicator he got from Chisame was gone, but still had the pills she gave him. The 'blueprints' for his tracing where also all there and available, hopefully some of the more obscure, non-lethal artifacts in his arsenal would have the advantage of surprise, since using anything lethal was out of question.

"Anyway." That Red-head Souhiro breaks the silence. "Father is almost home, the car just arrived. Let's just take a breath and sit down in a more comfortable place. Then we can discuss this without all that tension and with father's input."

Reasonable idea, but once EMIYA gets surrounded in a smaller room any chance of escape would be gone for good. But right now... that's it! Shiro's arrival gave him a 1% chance, he rechecked the positions of everyone in the room. Tricky, almost but not totally impossible. He takes action. Step one:

"No! No no no no no, NO!" Sound like a madman. "I had enough! I will leave this place and never come back! You won't stop me! And I won't be delayed anymore!"

The reactions were as expected, he had everybody's attention, most important Gilgamesh's. "Calm down faker, if you break down it will only get worse." Who switched from his expression _mildly amused_ to _arrogant king. _Time for Step 2. He grabbed the perplexed Illya.

"I have my back against the proverbial wall, a massive lack of rest, not counting a case of unconsciousness and a hostage." He traces a simple short sword and holds it against Illya's neck. "Don't dare to stand in my way. I'm desperate and dangerous!" The reactions to this step were rather quiet, not to say the entire room just sweat-dropped.

Rin was first to talk. "Archer, you can drop the act."

A purple-haired woman in kimono continued. "We all know already that you are an alternate version of Shiro, it's impossible for you to hurt an innocent, much less a girl you are acquainted with."

Bazett gave further observations. "The very basic of taken a hostage is to convince the other party, that you will kill your captive. Then again, I'm not surprised you fail at such underhanded tactics."

Even Illya was adding her two cents, completely unfazed by the blade at her neck. "Onii-chan, this is just out of character for you, did you even plan this through?"

Oh he did plan this through, the response he was receiving was even better that what he had hoped for. Now for his next move he needs Illya's cooperation. "Illya would you please act like a Hostage? Just cry out for help, pretty please?"

The request makes her smile, not a gentle one, but a Tosaka-class I-just-got-a-chance-to-tease-you-smile. She keeps her smile the whole time, but her voice holds some very convincing fear and anguish. "HELP ME! ANYBODY! HELP! ONII-CHAN!" Yes, she cries for help from the guy who holds a sword at her neck, on the gallery some of the wives understand the absurd situation and start to giggle. Expect for Rin who noted something off, but she can't put her finger on it.

The red knight is satisfied. "That was perfect Illya, thank you." He lifts the confused girl with one arm and tosses her to the golden king of heroes, who catches her in reflex at her collar. Before anybody can ask what this was supposed to be, the front doors are kicked open. Shiro Emiya has returned, the man is breathing hard, he has been running since he heard a call for help, his mind is in combat-mode, blocking all but the most vital information, the scene in front of him has haunted his dreams for many years. A small silver and purple girl held by a golden man with no hint of mercy in his appearance. "**GILGAMESH!**" Shiro doesn't see his wives and children, doesn't hear their shouts and calls. In his mind he stands in the Einzbern-castle, many years ago, when his greatest failure occurred, but this time he will stop it. The Emiya-patriarch charges at the golden knight, tracing his yin-yang-blades by reflex. Until a red clad arm stops him with a lariat-maneuver and take him into a flawless executed hold with blade at his heck.

Step 2 complete, time for step 3.

"Now I have a hostage I can hurt, maim and kill."

Rin facepalms, Saber looks moderately disappointed, Karasuba has a nostalgic look on her face, but what comes unexpected (for EMIYA) is Matsu's reaction. "Yaoi-dominace-play!" The concentrated survival-instincts EMIYA possess block the last part out.

Meanwhile Shiro slowly comes out of his combat-mode and sees his surrounding, including Gilgamesh putting Illya down, his gathered family and the alternate version of himself he thought he would never meet again. "What are you doing here?"

"Besides holding a blade at your neck?"

"Besides your strange hobbies." Shiro was in danger way to often to lose his composition over a simple sword.

"Trying to save my sanity. Somehow all females over twenty in sight seem to see me as a plaything or a snack, you have any clue how they turned with so little restrain?"

"That would be a longer story. It that really Illya?"

"Grown up and with an alternate version, also a long story, ask her or that Matsu-pervert. Now let's move towards the exit, I want to leave his place."

"Matsu is no pervert! I'm a **super** pervert! And don't worry my two Shiros, a threesome with two guys is not gay as long your balls don't touch!" The braided red-head was heavily breathing and drooling, both EMIYA's and Shiro's instincts censored the last outburst.

"Stop right here Archer! I can't allow you to leave." Saber steps between the red knight and the door. Archer isn't impressed.

"Saber, I have the advantage here, just let me pass and you can have your toy back in a minute." More of the wives inch closer.

"You still lack any real threat, I can free Shiro from you in a single strike and Shiro's body it extremely resilient. More over we are experts at patching him up, that leaves without any possibility to cause any real damage."

"You are to optimistic Saber, I know this body far better than you. And I'm far more used to face opponents which outclass me. One slash at the right place is plenty to kill him."

The red and blue Knights glare at each other, neither willing to back down. Then Saber lets out a smile. "Well played, but I can tell you are bluffing and I call it!"

Saber is right, piercing Shiro's reinforced skin takes a strong attack, stronger than EMIYA's position allows him. This seals his primary path, but EMIYA still has one more option. One he didn't want use, but now he has no choice. The Heroic Spirit initiates his last desperate maneuver.

"Che, then watch and see hell, Shiro Emiya!" As Shiro opens his mouth to protest, EMIYA puts his palm over the open mouth, forcing all blue pills Chisame gave him into his hostage's throat. The effect come instantly as Shiro shrinks until he appears to be no older than ten years old. This alone stuns everyone in sight, but EMIYA isn't finished yet, tracing a cursed item of great power around Shiro's waist. The Belt of Gender-change, again comes an instant result, which EMIYA dubs quietly Shiroko, a small girl with long, messy, pink hair, the clothes didn't took the transformation well and are far to wide for the 'girl'. Saber is unable to move, this is too unexpected for her to comprehend and to cute to resist. Caster lets out a cry of joy and Sakura... The purplenette turns silver-haired and her clothes black, tentacles raise around her and her intention can be clearly seen. EMIYA throws his bait over his shoulder into the room.

"Kyaa!" Shiroko cries in surprise, 'her' voice is the last straw, the wives rush at 'her', the red knight totally forgotten.

"Not the tentacles Sakura! You promised! Rin? Help! W-Were did you get that Strap-on?"

Chaos ensures, the children either seek shelter or try to contain it, but what Shiroko has to endure is beyond words. EMIYA just gives it a short glance before running like hell.

*scene break*

Freedom is in the air, the path is clear, EMIYA can see the main gates marking the outer border of the clan's territory. He keeps rushing. Then he sees two more persons just outside the gate, they move towards is, his senses tell him: normal human's, he ignores them.

He passes the Gate and stops, now outside of all these barriers he can use his senses far better, his stop causes a gust, which raises the skirts of the two humans, both female, before him, he keeps ignoring them. But they don't ignore him, the younger shouts at him. "Pervert!" She is a brunette and petite, her size is about average for Japanese, not much of threat for a Counter Guardian. He keeps ignoring her and focuses on his senses.

She spins around and kicks him in his face. He felt it and the impact throws him down. "What the?" Is all brings out before that female begins stomping him, with metal-plated, magically tempered boots, he is to shocked to react, the pain is unimaginable. Soon EMIYA fights to avoid passing out. Finally the other woman steps in.

"Yukari that enough, you killing him."

"But Kaa-san, that pervert just!"

"Just had enough, more than enough and I think that he was running away from your brothers place could mean he is just traumatized. He wasn't even looking at us and you just added injury to insult."

Whatever was made with these boots turned them into weapons, EMIYA is unable to move.

"Uh... So, ops?"

"Let's get him into the infirmary, he needs help and some debriefing."

The two women pick the unmoving EMIYA up, dragging the red knight back to the mansion, his pleas for mercy are unheard, halfway there he slips into merciful unconsciousness.

*Chapter end*


	7. Six Blade

*Chapter Start*

Waking up is very different from person to person, some are natural early birds and raise happy and ready for a new, others are slow with the waking and need time and coffee to reach a working mode. Then is the point of from what one wakes, a short nap, a regular night or sleeping after total exhaustion. But all who experienced it agree, waking up from unconsciousness after taking physical damage is the worst, most painful type of awakening, as the pain returns without warning and comes with his companions, disorientation and confusion.

The Counter Guardian known as EMIYA had been through it so often he didn't even flinch when pain signaled him his return to the waking world. Once more he found himself lying on a flat surface, but this time it was soft, his limbs were complete in attendance and he wasn't restrained, but his armor, jacket, pants and boots are gone, he is naked save for his boxer-shorts. Instead he feels bandages on his skin, somebody dressed his wounds and rather was skilled at it. Alright time to exploit his advantage and do some surveillance.

"I know you are awake, Archer." Shiro Emiya is in the room and apparently a lot more observant than before. EMIYA opens his eyes. They are in a two-bed-room, the space between the beds can be separated with a hanging curtain, a classic hospital room. Shiro is in the other bed, looking slightly better than EMIYA feels. They are alone in the room.

"What gave me away?" Not only the physical pain is affecting him, the red knight is mentally and emotionally exhausted.

"I heard your breathing changing, it was half guessing though." Shiro answers.

"I noted no restrains on me, why?"

"To avoid any lewd ideas, doubt it would work on you anyway."

"The Rin I know is very resourceful, she might find or create something for bind me for good."

"And use it on me first chance she gets, no thank you."

"…So you married her?"

"Yes."

"…With children."

"One daughter so far, thanks the root for contraception."

"And you married Saber."

"Yes."

"And Sakura."

"Yes."

"And Rider."

"Um."

"And the goddamn **Blue**."

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

"I try to wrap my brain around the facts! How the hell did this happen?"

"Well, my first partner married me in a ritual I wasn't familiar with, I thought it was a stabilizing-rite of the species, and then I made the same rite with several others, learned what is meant, but it really escalated once Rin caught on what happened. Thinking back she really made the whole situation grow beyond my control."

"Is it worth it?"

Shiro grows silent for a moment. Then he smiles. "Even with all the chaos they generate, with all the weirdness we attract, the normal child-problems, cranked to eleven by my kids and all the exhausting demands of my wives. I love them all and I would go through our whole story again and again for them as they would for me."

"I see, any chance you can convince that Haru-brat to cancel our contract? I'm kind of stuck in this era as long it's valid."

"I think I can, Haru is in for a talk about responsibilities anyway. But that's also why I wanted to talk with first."

EMIYA lets out a short, dry laugh. "Ha, now that's new. What is it? Want me to end your existence?"

"I want you to stay here, with my family."

Now its EMIYA's turn for a silent moment "…what?"

Shiro sits up. "You heard right."

EMIYA tries to sit up, but his body is unable to follow his command. "Are you insane… I mean more than usual. Remember who betrayed his master and tried to kill you? Several times!"

"That was a long time ago, I'm still alive as is Rin, thanks to you betrayal she got Saber as a Familiar, which would been a secured victory in that war and was able to keep her even after the war. Even putting the whole _changed my fate_, you meeting me caused, looking at the results I say we all own you some favors."

"Are you serious?"

"I got Gilgamesh as a Nanny for my children, he's been at this job for over a decade and I can't complain, I even trust him with my life."

"So? Last time I checked that wasn't of much value to you."

"And the lives of my children."

This gets EMIYA. "…You're serious. You are really planning to let me stay in your house, villa, mansion whatever you call it and do what exactly?"

Shiro explains. "Bodyguard, teacher, warrior, paramedic, cleaning the messes the children make, helping the wives when necessary. The main-point is you are someone who is strong enough to protect my family and integer enough to be trusted."

"In other words I can't be bribed, you learned to use that brain of yours, but the job description sounds like a butler from some shonen-manga… you are not trying to get back at me?"

"For the Heaven Feel? I'm long over it."

"No, for your recent feminization, I think Shiroko was really cute, maybe I try to see her soon again."

Instead of getting irritated or afraid, Shiro is giving EMIYA a very satisfied smile. "This attempt to provoke me into blasting you into oblivion is futile, I've been **Shiroko** before. Yes some of my wives know how to do that, I kept it secret from the others and after today's _event_ they will be far to scared to use that particular punishment again." Shiro's smile grows wider. "So, thanks to you, a great horror has been removed from my life, maybe for good."

EMIYA face-faults, that was unexpected. A "How?" is all he gets out.

"It involves the Mafia, a secret mercenary-group, two of my daughters, the Kalaido-stick and a moderate trauma, please don't ask for more details."

"What will your wives say? I am a Counter Guardian, what in the end is nothing but a fancy title for a _killer_. At least some of them know that, so it will get out sooner than later."

"By now they all know your whole life-story. I eat Fuji-nee's cooking if there is even one of them that hate you for being what you are."

"And what about the children? They…" EMIYA tries a slightly different angle.

But Shiro cuts him off. "…are not this ignorant, they might understand you better than you consider possible. But I see that arguing here won't change your mind nor will it mine."

"On that I agree. Suggestions?"

"It's almost twelve, take twenty-four hours from then on. In that time I want you too meet the family, talk to them, and make your self a clear image of what you are dealing with. If you still want to go after that, I will seriously reconsider, but I still expect arguments with some sense from you. You in?"

"…You make sure they won't try to sodomize me again?"

"I make very sure of that."

"Then fine, but don't get your expectations high."

*Scene Break*

The two versions of Shiro Emiya became silent, neither could say anything that would sway the other, so an agreement was made. This left them without meaningful subject and small-talk was out of question. The stalemate was ended by Gilgamesh, who entered the room without warning.

"Mongrel how is the situation with the Faker?"

EMIYA's sarcasm reacted automatically "Is he talking about you, me or some other poor sap in this mad comedy?"

Shiro ignored him with long mastered routine "He won't kill anybody, so clam down. And I asked him to stay with us."

Ignoring his sarcasm was just asking for more. "You mean trying to hire me as a butler, or was it babysitter? I heard they already got you Goldie."

Once more EMIYA was caught in a surprise, this time by Gilgamesh. Instead of anger or his usual demonstration of pride, the King of Heroes was sporting a calculating look. "What do you think of nukes?"

Taken unprepared EMIYA answered by reflex. "Dangerous and without any practical use."

"Dragons as pets?"

"Sure, if you are crazy, just let me get out of here first."

"Kinky toys?"

"Never used them, never needed them."

"How much experience do you have fighting chutulic creatures?"

"I was send to contain the winter-solstice-celebration of the True Ancestor Duke Wallawalla Ching-Ching in 362."

"That was you? I approve your choice mongrel. We have a lack of sane, capable, male adults here, he would be perfect."

"What the?" Gilgamesh, the golden king of heroes just approved of his natural enemy, to stay in the same place as him on top of that. What madness is this family to make that possible?

"Anyway," Turning his attention to Shiro, Gil returned to his original message. "I strongly suggest you talk with your mates, mongrel. They are still feeling guilt over the last incident, strike the iron while it's hot and you may get rid of some very sick ideas. Also make sure they won't consider gender-change as something funny or worse."

Shiro agreed, while still exhausted he had to take advantage of this situation. Slowly dressing himself he asked about details. Gilgamesh supplied an overview. "Rin is talking with Sakura, the latter is torn between ecstatic and depressed, go there first. Saber and Uzume are trying to calm down Caster, I fear they will use Saber's body for that. Rider, Luvia, Lorelei, Bazette, Kazehana, Chiho and Kusano are fine, I think. As is Akitsu, her I asked to guard the door to this room, just to be sure. Homura is having some kind of shock, be sure to check on her. Aoko wants to study the Faker, Touko didn't made the same demand only because her sister was first to do so, but she might just grab him, don't give her a chance for that. Karasuba wants a rematch with him, Musubi wants to watch or challenge him herself, I'm not sure about the exact meaning of her words. Matsu and Alaya-ko were putting their heads together, not a priority, but get there and stop them. Altrouge hasn't stopped laughing, I would ignore her. Also the new twins… Rin named that Archerko _Kuro,_ she and Illya are now with your mother, I'd say they will be adopted as daughters by sunset."

"At least they don't plan on marring me, that's good."

"…"

"Gil?"

"They are also talking with Yukari about how exciting piling up several fetishes is. Like incest, not-blood-related-little-sister, foursome with a pair of twins on top of an extramarital affair."

"Oh crap!"

"And they know about Matsu." Shiro's eyes burn with murderous intend at Gilgamesh. "I didn't tell them! They already know!"

"Have to stop them, be nice, see you later." Hurrying with his clothes Shiro almost runs through the door, leaving the two former Archer-class Servants alone.

EMIYA tries to process what just happened. "…that Matsu I meet. Just for a couple of minutes, first impression was unfavorable, but is she that bad?"

Gil answers. "She is worse that bad, a great ally in every kind of conflict, but her desires and methods to fulfill these are less than modest."

Carefully considering the available information and current situation, EMIYA concludes that he has a few options.

1. Trying to hide here, pretending to be exhausted and hoping Shiro will hold his word.

Problems: Shiro never promised he would unsummon him, just that he will consider it, also it will only be a matter of time until the wives disregard any orders their husband gave and come at him.

2. Resuming his escape, using the lowered guard and gained knowledge to his advantage.

Problem: There are guarantied to be more nasty surprises and even if Rin forgot it, the other magi certainly added traps just for him by now. Not to mention how they would hunt him…

3. Frontal attack, facing the family and take on the madness.

Problem: Is there any chance to endure this? The last day showed him a brief glimpse of a whole new hell.

4. … is there anything else? Suicide would be a temporal break at best and his return could be easily directed into a very nasty surprise.

EMIYA makes a decision. "Gilgamesh? Can we start small?"

The King of Nannies raises an eyebrow. "Define _small_."

So the heroic spirit of the bow seals his fate. "Meeting the Wives, one on one."

"Not possible, they always flock together and when I try to isolate one of them it will cause a chain-reaction."

"Then in small groups. Very _small_ groups."

"That might work, if we act fast and discreet **and are lucky**."

EMIYA gives Gil a flat look. "My Luck-stat is E and the root is after me. How is yours?"

"Mine is A and I have divinity as well my Golden Rule-skill. Should balance things out to regular madness."

"Famous last words." But EMIYA knows, there is no backing down here. "Let do it."

*Scene Break*

"So this counts as regular around here? I was for two weeks in Roanapur and I never thought I would ever think fondly of that place. Until now." EMIYA feels his composure slipping.

"It's not so bad, not yet." Gilgamesh tries to downplay it, but his shocked voice costs much of the effect.

As he predicted Saber became the victim of a forced cosplay-session, headed by Medea and strongly supported by a brunette, "Uzume" Gil whispered to EMIYA, and the girl that stomped EMIYA earlier, "Yukari, Shiro's little sis". So much was expected by the King of Nannies. What came unexpected were a white-haired Woman, "Takami, his mother", watching and the two versions of Illya joining the game. Poor Saber was bound and gagged by black ribbons, and clad in nekomimi and milk-cream. Archerko, no by now she called herself Kuro, is licking the helpless blonde in sensitive places. Illya has taken a seat in Takami's lap, wearing nekomimi with her dress. Takami is mesmerized by the sight of the bound knight and the soft touch of the snow-fairy, absent-mindly pets Illya's head.

Uzume is egging the smaller girls on, suggesting more and more depraved ideas, much to Yukari's delight, she also was waving between shock and desire to join the molestation of Saber. Caster is standing in a pool of her own blood, nose-blood still gushing out. Only a constant adrenaline-rush is keeping her standing.

It was the smallest group the two Archers could find. The other groups might be playing even more dangerous games. Now they stand before a wild spectacle and don't know if they dare to enter the room. For Gil it's the experience with these situations that holds him back, for EMIYA it's the fear of being forced into taking saber's place. After all, his stunt with Shiro might have awoken some crazy fantasies, fantasies involving him and god-knows-what. He could still try option 2, maybe he could get Gilgamesh as an ally, and he even knows the terrain and makes in the worst case a good shield. Shiro himself had intercepted Matsu and Alaya-ko, they decided he could handle them alone.

"Oh, Saber…" And he is totally enthralled by the sight, so much for balancing the Luck-levels. His own degree of suck is even turning the blessing of this demigod against him and the demigod as well. On the bright side, if this will go like he expects even Shiro will have to agree to let him go… To hell with it, its time to act. EMIYA steps boldly into the room.

"Good morning everyone." The reactions come in an instant.

"A-archer?"

"Oni-chan!"

"Nyaa!"

"Whoa, up close he is even bigger!"

"Eh?"

"Uhm… hello."

…why is Takami blushing like a schoolgirl? No, thinking this bad, focus on plan, ignore the girl! All girlish things! And girlish reactions too!

Too bad Yukari saw the blush too. "Oh mom, get over it already. You couldn't know who this guy is. So you grabbed his butt, a couple of times." Takami's blush intensifies. "Gently petted his stone-hard abs." The older woman passes _blushing_ and enters _radiating_. "And stared at his crotch for the entire time, but let's forget that."

"Yes, please! Forgetting is good, let's do it fast." EMIYA is a state similar to, root help him, his genetic mother's.

The last outburst shocks the entire room. Until Saber cries out.

"Get me out of here, pleeeeaaaaase."

Her breakdown gives Medea the final push, she too falls down, right into the pool of her own blood.

*Scene Break*

Freeing Saber, cleaning up her, the room and Caster took some effort, but Gilgamesh showed his skill and completed these tasks in record-time. Now the shock had ebbed of, everyone was seated and ready for a dialog with the red knight. But the situation makes everyone feel awkward.

Uzume tries to break the ice. "So… Archer-san is a future-version of Shiro?"

Archer answers. "More precisely, I am the spirit of an alternate future-version of Shiro Emiya."

"How alternate, save for the color-swap?"

Grateful for non-erotic topic Archer starts with a broader explanation. "My life was identical to your Shiro's until the Heaven's Feel, the Archer summoned to this war was not a future me. That made the war, and my later life, very different from what your Shiro experienced."

Encouraged by the success, Uzume keeps talking. "That means what exactly? You got just one wife and a few kids, while heroing around?"

"I was single for my whole, no children I know of."

Deadbeat silence fills the room. Until Illya feels the need to set of a verbal bomb. "You forget to mention: you died practically as a virgin."

"I'm not a virgin! Neither did I die as one!" Archer reacts to fast, one second later he understands her intent, but too late he is already in the trap and its closing fast.

Saber takes the word. "Illyasviel, what do you mean with _practically a virgin_? As far I know that is a binary state, yes or no. What kind of margin is that?"

And the trap is shut tight. Archer reminds himself, Illya always was older than him, knows everything what the red knight ever did and she is far shrewder than her appearance suggested. Worst part is, he still doesn't know what exactly she plans to use now.

Illya enjoys the attention she gained and the tension in the air. "Archer is practically a virgin, at least by the standards around here. I mean he had so little sex! You can count the occasions on two hands and half of them were mana-transfer-rituals."

Now Archer knows, and it's even beyond his worst-case-scenario. As the females process the new revelation with a mix of glee and excitement, the red knight wonders if he still can reach the Tiger Dojo by dying, or suicide, he feels that becoming a more and more tempting option.

*Chapter End*

Next time: EMIYA's pre-CG love life revealed


	8. Seventh Blade

*Chapter Start*

Surrounded by a pack of female, demonic beasts, his sidekick charmed by their evil power and his escape routes blocked, the heroic red knight faced the ultimate attack of the alpha-beast with no defense and no chance to evade.

"As I said you can count the times he got to score with two hands, three of these were prana-transfers, four if count the one where he got tricked into thinking it was one."

Archer blinks. His mind returns form the fantastic imagination, but his situation didn't change. Must have been how his subconscious interpreted the current events. He is still trapped, surrounded and his gold-haired back-up is daydreaming of things he doesn't want to know. On a couch to his left side are Saber and Caster, them he knows well, or so he thought until today. To his right he sees the Sekirei Uzume, so far the most sane female adult he met today, and Yukari, the little sister of his version from this timeline. Seated in front of him are Takami, the **mother** of his version from this timeline and next to her Kuro, an alternate version of Illyasviel which chose to follow his path, albeit with a somewhat perverted streak. And finally Illyasviel herself, a grown up version of the girl he called his sister and helplessly watched to rot alive, just got into position to tell her tale and block any escape he could pull, by occupying his lap.

Reviewing his situation hasn't reduced the fear and confusion EMIYA aka Archer feels at all.

"So, Archer, back then still Shirou Emiya, total amateur magus with no self-preservation or common-sense, got his cherry picked during the grail war. To be more precise he got into a Ménage à Troi with Saber and Rin, while on the run from a strong and beautiful master and servant-combo they couldn't possibly face head on."

"You know that master was you Illya." Archer can't stop her, his arms refuse to shove the young woman away, his legs won't run, no argument he could formulate will affect her, but at least the snark is still with him. "And we were running after I got rescued from your castle."

"Minor details." Illya doesn't let it stop her. "Anyway, Saber was running out of prana due her earlier use of an Excali-blast and Shirou was not enough of a magus to supply her. Exploiting that weak state of defence a Master captured him with minimal effort. Of course Saber would try to save her master and Rin wouldn't let her go alone. As they managed to infiltrate the master's castle and even got Shirou back, the master ambushed them. Rin's Archer sacrificed himself to buy some time, which led Rin to give Saber and Shirou their first time. In a small cottage in a dark forest while in mortal danger, she always had bad timing."

"You can say that loud… _I'm fighter not a lover_, yeah right." Judging from the wide smile on her face, Uzume finds the tale very entertaining.

"That Shirou's second time was also a magical recharge, because Saber used her sword, this time against Gilgamesh. She just had a good moment with Shirou when he interrupted, with his Gate of Babylon. Putting the fight and personal development aside, she came that night to Shirou on her own. Not too bad for some who was a virgin just a week ago."

The present Saber blushes lightly. "Shirou's very skilled and warm, once tasted, everybody would seek his..."

"White miso-soup?" Kuro asks innocently.

"Yes, his white miso…" Saber realizes what other possible interpretations these words have and her blush intensifies. The Illyas chuckle at her innocent reaction.

"Back to the story, the grail war ended with no further fun for Shirou, but soon after high-school he got a lover. After years of subtle and not so subtle hints, and Rin kicking his brain into working, Shirou finally got together with Sakura and for a while things went fine, and they had a total of four hot, sweaty nights of innocent love-making together, over the course of two years. Which reminds us that libido is not a given, even for boys with a hot girlfriend, not matter what the internet says. Then one day Shirou's ideals took his brain offline again and he decided to go out there and help others. But Sakura was practically depending on Shirou as an emotional crutch, not that he ever noted."

Archer gets the not so subtle hint. "Yeah, yeah rub it in. I admit I was a peerless idiot and deserve all that came after that and then some."

"Even when Rin solved the problem by joining you two into a threesome? Sure she called it a prana-transfer and wanted to improve her relationship with Sakura, but it was still you getting down with a hot pair of sisters."

"Well, didn't deserve that one… Guess that was when the fake transfer you mentioned? That makes a total of seven times…"

The snow-hair gives the knight a bright smile, with a dash of teasing. "Bingo! But I think the last two times were the most fun!"

"…Oh crap, I remember them!"

"I know, now let me tell the others about them."

Archer can't stop Illya from telling about them, can't stop the others from listening, can't run away and can't even kill himself. He considers insulting Gilgamesh into throwing a tantrum, but the king of heroes looks mentally absent, nothing Archer says would reach his mind.

"So, after setting out to live his ideals, Shirou eventually got a reputation as a strong combatant, who proved himself even against dead apostles, but what made him really famous among mages was the Al Masife-incident. The set up was very basic at first, a dead apostle took over a town, turned everybody into his undead servants. The clock tower got wind of it, as the land of Al Masife had special properties and a good supply of prana it belonged to a clan with some influence in the mage association, the La'Grih. When all contact was suddenly lost, the clock tower dispatched first scouts and after the first report a squadron under Lorelei Barthomeloi. They didn't expect much trouble."

Yukari let a dry laugh out. "I can already guess what happened next. They ran into big trouble and Onii-chan had to save them."

"Well almost, the DA turned out a lot older and smarter than what the reports indicated and the land was under his control for a lot longer than a few days. Turns out he had been working right under the La'Grih's noses for decades and then acted when all was ready. The DA in question wanted to turn himself into an undead elemental, a being between vampire and spirit connected and powered by the earth itself, becoming something similar to a True Ancestor. Needless to say the squadron lost almost half their numbers in the initial attack, if Shirou hasn't been investigating some rumours they all would have been killed. He came like a storm, unexpected for both sides and opened an escape route for the magi. They took shelter in nearby caves, Lorelei, grateful for the save compared notes with Shirou. Realizing that more was going on, they joined forces(after some _noble_ idiots got hit by a mysterious baton) and began sabotaging the DA's work over several days, discovering more and more of his plan. The DA was forced to improvise, but he managed to keep his ritual working. Eventually it came to the great showdown. The plan was for Shirou and Lorelei had face the bloodsucker alone so rest of the mages (which would have been useless anyway) could keep key points under control, weakening the power of the big bad. But there was one problem."

The snow fairy pauses for dramatic effect and looks into Archer's eyes, he knows what comes next, but the message in her crimson eyes is clear, '_you can't stop me'_.

"Shirou had overtaxed himself, his prana-reserve was dry, saving all these redshirts was hard work. Good thing Lorelei was very observant of her surroundings and really angry at that Dead Apostle, Shirou never had a choice or an opportunity to stop her. She ravished his body and filled him to the brink with her refined, high-grade prana, poor onii-chan was _glowing_ with energy. Well then he fought and used his Reality Marble for the first time. Lorelei, now exposed to an extreme amount of the gland and pure GAR became, as one would expect, _'interested'_ in Shirou. Good news, she covered everything about the Reality Marble, kept most of the Clock Tower idiots of his back and even supported him whenever he could. Bad news, she wanted to introduce him to her parents. And her family's infamous breeding grounds. Shirou got away, he never noticed how strong she felt for him. I almost pity her. Almost…"

"Performing a tantric ritual in the middle of a battlefield, that sounds more like Ryougi's style." Saber finds the lack of her in these events somewhat disturbing. "By my count there was still one more… _event_."

Illya is happy to oblige. The focus of some of the audience is slowly drifting, mostly towards her Onii-chan, while she can understand the _why_, she still doesn't like it. But she can get the focus back on her really easy, for even the setting of the final story alone is perfect for getting attention.

"Yes, his final romantic adventure. It took place in a port-town in Thailand, a small place under the protection of a faceless Buddha named Roanapur."

This revelation had the desired effect. You can physically feel the tension in the air.

"It was a couple of years after the Lorelei-event, by then Shirou had a bit of a reputation in both, the magical society and the regular world. He was hunting a very unpleasant magus, who decided to hide in said tropic city. Following the trail into the city didn't take long, but Roanapur was and will always be disorder incarnate, just a few steps beyond the city limits the trail was gone, ripped apart by the strange energies common for this city. His prey was rather good at keeping a low profile and searching the town, that town, alone would have been between useless and suicidal. So he decided to call in a favour."

Uzume finds something strange about the last part. "There was somebody with influence in that hellhole and indebted to Shirou? That sounds rather improbable, I mean Roanapur is controlled by gangsters, mobs and cartels, how would any of those own Mr. Hero favours?"

"Because our Mr. Hero is the God of GAR. He saved the leader of one of the organisations with great influence in Roanapur and left a big impression. Seeing a man kill a dozen of armed maniacs on steroids with Chinese short swords while looking like something out of a Legend, his 60-something year old heart fell under the power of GAR." Illya loves the feeling of tension in air, that she controls the tension makes it even sweeter. "His Chinese heart, that is."

"The Triad? Shirou got the dragonhead of the triad to go GAR on him?" Uzume is feeling a wide range of impulses, mostly shock, but a part of her wants to tease the red knight about breaking the heart of a senior citizen. Illya continues her story before the Sekirei get a change to do so.

"Yes, the Triad. Shirou went to their main office, politely made an appointment and the second they ran an ID-check on him they and their Headquarters got a flag. Mr. Chang was naturally surprised as a call from the Dragonhead came, ordering him to support Shirou in anyway possible. Let me quote the final part: _And if he wants a BJ from you, get on your knee and start sucking_. The look of Chang's face was incredible, he was beyond good and evil, beyond even whatever crazy that town spawned on a regular base, but this made him WTF for first time in two decades. He was extremely relieved when Shirou's request turned out to be a search and destroy. He gave the order and estimated a maximum of three days for finding the target, four if he managed to leave town. Since Shirou seemed so special, Chang decided to keep him close, and to find out what was so special about that strange redhead."

"Fufufu…" Medea, finally with her senses in order, lets out an evil giggle. "A smug, muggle Gangster and a matured Shiro, oh had to be delicious!"

"It was funny, for Shiro at least, he didn't do anything to Mr. Chang, nothing impressive at least." Illya calms the blue-haired woman down. "For two days he helped the Triad with cleaning, cooking, did some paperwork and was always nice to everybody. Chang was wondering if he was the target of an extravagant prank of epic proportions. Day three, they narrowed down the target's location, but, be it luck or plan, the magus had holed himself in the Russians' territory, to search here they needed to deal with hotel Moscow. So Chang arranged a meeting with their leadership. He also brought Shirou with him, just to keep him in the loop. After the initial pleasantries and explanation the local Russian boss, wanted to know want made their target such a priority. Before Chang could say anything Shirou stepped up, with a badass attitude and cool facts he described the magus as a doctor who snapped, living out a fantasy of ruthless mad science but still capable of planning and cunning. I quote, _a rabid dog in dire need of some putting down_, unquote. Chang got half a heart-attack, turning from mild-mannered good-guy to God of GAR has quite an effect, even more on women or soldiers, double that for female soldiers. The Russian boss, a woman mostly known as Balalaika, got the full dose of his GAR. She agreed to the hunt, but insisted to use her own men and Shiro did just what she hoped he would do, he joined the hunting-team. The next 24 hours were rather simple, they sniffed the Magus out, fought against his hired psychos and some magical crap, and every single member of the team got a full dose of Shirou in battle."

"Enough with the foreplay!" Caster demands. "Get to the juicy parts!"

"As you wish. After a long and bloody fight, Shirou took a shower in the Russian's HQ. He was rather exhausted and his hosts were professionals, so he did notice anything until it was too late. Until he was alone, wet and naked in the spacious showers. In a red, form-fitting silk-robe, she came to him, not permitting any resistance she grabbed him, threw him on the floor and ravished his firm body like a Tiger feeding on cattle. Any attempt of communication was intercepted as she wrestled his tongue with her own, his strength was meaningless on front of her combat-sambo, looking him in painful submission holds. That night they broke five benches, three doors, twenty-two handcuffs and one king-size bed. Next day Shirou left town in a hurry, leaving an ecstatic blonde, many shocked Chinese and a laughing Chang behind, following him were three different squads from various mobs planning to capture or recruit him, an alive-only bounty from Balalaika and a reputation in the underworld rivalling Kiritsugu's."

Good story, a classic Shirou, but one point bothers Uzume. "Why was that his last time? There were at least three resourceful women after him. Rin knew him inside out and is great at predicting others. Lorelei had the complete Clock tower at her disposal. Balalaika was a very high-ranking member of the Russian Mafia. How comes none of them hunted him down for, well, you know…"

Saber fidgets in her seat, she can guess the answer. Archer is unreadable. Illya's face takes a neutral expression.

"That is simple, tracking Shirou takes time, even more given the lack of a definite destination. But less than four years after Roanapur he died."

Uzume didn't expect this answer. "He what? But it's Shirou! I mean, sure he is flesh and blood, but, but Avalon!"

"Is not a god-mode cheat and he never could use it to its full potential."

"His allies!"

"He was sentenced to death for war-crimes, it was about a week from his apprehension to his execution. There was not enough time to get there and his _allies_ hadn't one clue for months."

"Shirou would never do something like that could be called a war crime!"

"He was framed, by someone he saved."

"No human prison could hold him!"

"He accepted it and never tried to escape."

The ponytailed Sekirei is at a loss for words, she knew her husband had strong convictions, Rin called him distorted on several occasions. But this is a whole new side about Shirou Emiya, even if it's an avoided alternate version. No, **because** this alternate version was only narrowly avoided. Her head spins, she can barely process what she heard. Not just her, save for Archer and Gilgamesh all seem strongly affected by the story. Then see hears a sniff, a muffled crying from the ceiling?

"Shirou-tan…" Matsu's voice is coming from the hidden speakers. "Archer-san, I'm sorry."

After what felt like an endless silence the counter Guardian spoke. "You were listening."

"Yes. I sounded like a good story at first…"

"It is about events that never happened in this dimension. Today this story is just a '_what if_', it never happened, so don't worry. Just forget about it."

"Mhm!" A muffled voice heard from Matsu's speaker triggers Archer's instincts.

"Is that Shirou's gagged voice I hear?"

"Uhm, yes." You can almost see the braided Sekirei fidget in discomfort.

"I assume you did unmentionable thing to him while listening to Illya's dirty anecdotes?" A new plan takes shape in the red spirit's mind.

"Maybe…"

"Poor guy, I feel terrible for him!" His expression looks actually like he is worrying and his tone is lined with sad tones. Nobody in the room buys it even for a second. "Allow me to take responsibility, no I insist to do so."

Kuro raises an eyebrow, she keeps tabs on potential openings EMIYA could use and there is no escape in this direction. What is he scheming?

Uzume feels a good laugh coming. "And how would you do that, by taking over Shirou's marital duties?" The other women in the room, plus Matsu and Alaya-ko in another, turn all their attention on the Counter Guardian, he wouldn't just give up and let them do him. Or would he?

"As a matter of fact I plan to. Lead me to the kitchen, as the chef of the house is currently unable to, I shall take charge of the **cooking**!"

With their expectations shattered, the wives of Shirou Emiya react as one, with a flat: "What?"

Save for Uzume who joined Illya and her twin, rolling laughing on the floor. Takami hides a grin.

Yukari is still processing what just happened. "Cooking? Even future badass onii-chan is an Iron Chef?"

"OH HELL NO!" The hidden speakers scream with Shirou's voice.

"Ah, careful Shirou-tan is loose!" Matsu cries out in comedic desperation, Shirou ignores her in favour of the intercom.

"The kitchen is mine and Matsu's strange hobbies aren't enough to keep me from there." And thus the mike-performance is on.

"So? My refined skills produce meals that surpass your barely edible accidents by worlds, amateur."

"I have fed this family for over 2 decades, nobody ever complained about my food. I made every 5-Star-Chef I ever met crying in sheer awe."

"As if a mundane human could even begin to compare to myself, 5-Stars are meaningless before me."

"NOT SO FAST!" Gilgamesh interrupts the Shirous. "It's my turn with the stove, you two can save your fight for a relevant occasion, for today's dinner will be made by the hands of a King!"

With Gil joining, the verbal battle turns into a three-way between two men and a hidden speaker. Saber's thoughts, inspired by the rivalry of these three chefs, spawn an idea. A wonderful idea.

"Chase this disgraceful behaviour! This conflict can't be solved by words alone, so let actions speak." With bright stars in her eyes, Saber gets the attention of the quarrying males. "For the highly desired goal, let there be a contest worth the price. You three shall compare your skills by putting them to work, there are many kitchens in our home, make use of them, each of you shall make a dinner today and I will judge the quality."

The room falls silent.

"I approve of the idea." Archer likes where this is going, but the situation still needs a few calibrations to make this work in his favour. "But what will be the rules of this contest?"

"Make lots of delicious food for me." An enormous serving of high-grade gourmet-food turns things simple for the king of knights, she doesn't even consider the finer details.

Archer uses this to set the rules himself. "First let's set a time limit, if there is too much time between the tastings it becomes hard to judge."

"Agreed." Gilgamesh and Shirou answer in sync.

"Since we will make dinner, 18:00 local time should suit us all. Next, who uses which kitchen? Form what I learned so far the main kitchen is far more advanced than any other in whole country…"

"IN THE WORLD!" again are the patriarch and the ancient king acting in the same way at the same time.

"…this would give whoever uses it an unfair advantage, so I suggest to not using it for the contest."

Hesitating nodding from Gil, Shirou, wherever he is, does the same.

"Finally, I have to acknowledge my lack of familiarity with the local conditions, I don't know where to find the ingredients nor do I know the layout of the house. Transporting the result of my art to dining room will also be suboptimal. Thus I suggest: every contestant gets an assistant, one member of this family to support him."

Gilgamesh raises an eyebrow. "_Any_ member of the family? You have somebody in mind?"

"Anybody will do, and no I just need a guide to show me the where to find the sugar or to keep an eye on the pots."

"I see, fine by me." Gil gives his approval, while hiding his excitement, the Faker just gave him certain victory.

"I agree to the rules. Let the game begin. Matsu, connect me to Sakura!" Shirou seals the deal.

Neither realizes the true purpose of these rules.

*Scene Break*

Like with many things, cooking is something where you win and lose to other. Gilgamesh hates losing, he hates it with passion and a vengeance. So he goes to exploit the rules set by the Faker to his definite advantage.

While the mongrel teaming up with his most domestic wife has considerable fight-potential, the golden king is not giving up. On the contrary, with the mongrel following a predictable pattern and the Faker on his own with maybe even a hindrance (_Oh, please ask the smiling mongrel for help, whahahaha!_). Gilgamesh will attack from an unexpected angle, he will use something that complements his own skills, rather than just augmenting them.

He opens a door without knocking first and storms into the room behind it.

"Doll-maker-mongrel! Your King has need of your power!"

A lazy looking redhead looks up from an extensive collection of gears, springs and small metal plates. "Matsu-kaa-san has already announced the contest, so you want me as your partner?"

"Yes, I could never utilize my knowledge of the mystic art of Babylon's cuisine to its fullest due the lack of ingredients from my time. But with your power I shall break this seal, science shall bridge the 10000 year gap and bring me victory!"

Souhiro Aozaki-Emiya can't suppress a smile, Gil's passion is contagious and the presented challenge is too tempting to resist. "Very well, lead the way!"

*Scene Break*

"I'm really happy for your confidence in me Archer-san."

"No need for formalities with me, just call me Archer."

"And I can help you with the cooking?"

"Just start cutting the vegetables, if you do it good I'll give you a bigger challenge."

"Yes sir!"

"Good kid, I would be disappointed if Shirou messed up the child bearing his father's name."

*Chapter End*

Next Time:

Three way food war.


	9. Eighth Blade

***Chapter Start***

The Emiya Kitchen Wars have begun. The Counter Guardian EMIYA aka Archer challenged Shirou Emiya and Gilgamesh for the title of "First Chef". In the heat of petty arguments the three cooks have agreed on a contest proposed by the King of Knights, making dinner, the best menu wins the title. Since this means making dinner for the whole Clan Archer suggested pairing every chef with an assistant. Everybody agreed while Saber stealthy removed all traces of drool from her face.

The participating Teams are:

_Shirou Emiya_, clan-patriarch and longtime supreme cook. Partner: _Sakura Emiya_, talented food artisan and hard worker.

His hands are a blur as he cuts vegetables into the desired shape, while the purple-haired beauty is preparing the meat. Shirou is focused in a way one would expect only in death-or-life situations, _his_ kitchen being at risk turns him into a machine, a coldblooded cooking-machine. Sakura is working careful and every bit as precise as her husband, but unlike him she is on cloud seven. She understands how serious her spouse is about cooking, being his chosen partner means a lot and this make happy beyond words and she won't disappoint his expectations. The couple works mostly silent in prefect sync.

_Gilgamesh_ of Babylon, King of Heroes and Nannies, has tasted all fine food ever made(before 10000 BC) and knows how make it. Partner: _Souhiro Aozaki-Emiya_, Technomage, alchemist and Scientist, PhDs in biology and chemistry (among others), you want a taste he can manufacture it.

Multi-colored flames dance high as a bull gets barbequed in a style last seen 9000 years ago, the species of the bull died out even before that, mainly because 'tasting good' is a very bad trait for survival. This half ton of long lost meat-treasure is the result of a cloning experiment, commissioned by Gilgamesh, implemented by Souhiro. It was supposed to crush Shirou, to prove the superiority of royalty over a faking peasant, soon it would have been fully matured, but now it has been used for this contest. The king regrets nothing, if anything the situation surpasses his hopes, he can best the faker and the other faker in one glorious move. Furthermore, he has already ordered another ancient bull (and some vegetables, he has the watch his weight).

_Archer_, Counter Guardian, future Badass, definition of GAR, the true limits of his cooking-skill a mystery. Partner: _Kiritsugu Emiya_, the younger one, son of Aturia Pendragon and banned from all kitchens because of… **OH CRAP!**

***Scene Break***

Archer finished his inspection of the kitchen. Clean as a whistle, pots are excellent, oven is a dream, the freezer is filled to the brim, and most importantly no traps or monsters or horny females hidden anywhere. He seals the door anyway, just to be sure. Now time to examine his partner's level.

"Okay, we don't have much time so let's stick with the basic. Kiritsugu, do like to cook?"

"I love it!"

Oh, good answer. If he loves to cook, he will cook often, that means he got practice and has probably tried out various techniques.

"How often do to cook?"

"Not as much I'd like, Dad or Gil always get to the kitchen first and when I finally get a chance somebody always throws me out."

First part makes sense, the second is strange. Does it mean he spends so much time in the kitchen, that his mothers force him to go to bed? Kid might need some therapy, but that can wait. For now it's time to make use of his passion.

"I see, then I shall give you reprise from merciless cooking withdrawal. Start with cutting cabbage, carrots, cucumber and tomatoes into small pieces, like for a salad. I prepare the meat. Whoever is finished first peels some potatoes. More after we finish that."

"Yes sir!" Kiritsugu feels happiness, nobody had relied on his cooking skill like this, ever!

Archer takes a moment to watch the boy pick a knife and some vegetables, in both cases he makes good choices. With his doubt dispelled the Counter Guardian turns to his part of plan, he needs beef, fish and chicken meat, some oil and a spice-mix he learned in Thailand. Just as he raised his knife to cut the beef.

"GRRRROOOOOOHHHAAAAAA!" A deep, bubbling sound comes from behind.

"Help!" followed by Kiritsugu's plea for aid.

"Of course, the universe let me be for over twenty minutes, time for something to ruin my day even more." Archer sighs and turns toward the source of the bestial growl. He freezes. Now in front of him is an abomination, a three-meter tomato, the bright red skin is studded with cucumber, similar to metal beads on leather-armor. It's armed with a dozen of long ribbons of cabbage (Archer refuses to think of them as tentacles) swinging wild, searching for prey and finally the mouth, a wide gap with sharped, peeled carrots. A salad-monster, should he even wonder where it came from or just accuse Shirou of foul-play? Anyway cutting than thing may prove therapeutic.

Kiritsugu managed to dodge the grabs, most likely due to reflexes that came from living in this madhouse. "Kid, take over the meat for me, I will need chicken nuggets. Meanwhile I deal with the salad."

"At once!" Not one moment hesitation in Kiri's action. Archer can't help being impressed with the youth's quick response, still he considered burning the whole estate down, a place where kids act like this by habit should not exist.

With the teenager out of the way Archer quickly traced his most trusted twin-blades and began cutting the plant-thing. Cutting down the monster proved both easier and harder than he expected, easier since the cabbage-tentacles and the cucumber-armor were very easy to cut, harder since that thing felt no pain nor did could he find any vital points, the loss of an appendage was ignored and it regrew quickly. Still the knight was used to far worse, this fight was actually relaxing. Quickly tracing a spear the monster got immobilized by literally nailing it to the floor. Maybe there were some internal organs after all, as the salad-thing stopped moving once pierced so thoroughly.

"That takes care of it, now how did it get in here?" The door is still tightly sealed, as are ventilations shafts, maybe a hidden door or a dimensional pocket? But then…

"INCOMING MEAT!"

Meat? Something dark red flew by, missing Archer's face by an inch. Much like Kiri earlier the knight dove for cover, landing behind a solid-looking (and most likely solid-being) collection of extra-sized pots.

"What was _that_?" Finding himself next to Kiri, who apparently had lost no time to find cover as well, the Knight tries to make sense of the new problem.

"Uhm, a meat-thing?"

"Not just one!" Peeking over the pots Archer can see a swarm of dark red hornets, the site of pigeons and made of chicken-meat. Even worse, standing behind the swarm was some kind of skinless Minotaur, clearly made out of pork and beef, a female one judging by the pair of udders.

"So, multiple meat-things, we can take them." Kiri's composed reply caused another line of thought in Archer.

"Is that normal here? Getting attacked by unknown beast while trying to do some innocent cooking?"

"It's been actually really tame so far, Christmas that was an incredible event."

"Why do I feel such deep fear grabbing my heart?"

"You were there."

"I don't remember meeting any of you before!"

"It might be a time travel-thing, I _was_ already there, but you _will_ be there. You and a dozen other Counter Guardians."

"Sounds plausible, but then why do I suddenly taste eggnog and feel afraid of knitting?"

"Then it could be you suppressed the memory, happens to some of the visitors we get and I think Alaya-ko had her way with you."

"Ayala-ko, wasn't she a Tsundere and... No, I refuse to think about that anymore. Let me cut down these things, I need to do some cooking, ASAP! You start with the bread."

Blades, black and white, dance around the meat- and chicken-beasts, a single cut even from these mystic swords barely slows them down, but Archer hits dozens of times, hundreds. Every attack is planned and analyzed, giving the red Knight more and more information, two minutes into battle he figured out his opponent's strengths, movement and vital points. Then he uses this Intel and the chicken-things drop instantly. This leaves the meat-minotaur. Or so Archer thinks until a cabbage-tentacle grabs his legs. Is the salad-beast still alive? No, it's still dead, but the two smaller versions of it are very alive, how did he miss them before? It's not like they just popped up from the chopping board… wait a second… _Why exactly is Kiri thrown out of kitchens?_

"Ops."

**Ops**? Alarmed the counter Guardian tries to look at the teenager. He finds him fighting snakes made of bread. Archer's sarcastic and logical brain-parts team-up to give a deduction:

_First the vegetables Kiri cut, fused into some kind of Veggie-golem._

_Then the meat Kiri prepared grew into skinless beasts._

_And now the bread turned in snake-like aggressors, just as Kiri had turned his attention to it._

Ergo:

_Kid has something to do with the food-fighters_.

OR:

_Somebody is sabotaging him or both of us._

The first point implicates that Kiritsugu is either working against Archer or has been less than honest. The second possibility means war. Open, merciless, dirty warfare only a disillusioned Counter Guardian could possibly image.

Just as Archer decided to wage that war anyway one of the Salad-golems lifted him above itself, giving him a good look at its topside which was dominated by an chasm-like, circular jaw (reminding him of the Sandworms in that 'Dune'-movie he once saw). The 'teeth' were carrots, apparently sharpened and solid enough to compete with their ivory counterparts.

Then the cabbage binding him launches the red knight into the red abyss.

*Scene Break*

_Too fresh_.

That is the first thought Archer gets after falling into the red beast's jaw. He has been swallowed before and the air within organic creatures ranges from _bad_ to _not-breathable_. Yet he has no trouble filling his own lungs, it's also dry and cool, everything a stomach shouldn't be. He slowly opens an eye. Instead of a flesh-wall he finds himself on a wood floor, next to him are several desks and chair, older school-type furniture from at least twenty years before he stepped into a school. Gathering his courage he looks higher, at the front of the room is a blackboard, this really is a class-room in a school, or a good imitation.

Then he sees the sign. On a bright pink background spelled with black and white letters:

**Einzbern Consultation Room**

On some level it makes sense to him, he already met another version of Illya and now both of them are in the material world. So it is possible, even probable that another version of the snow fairy took charge of screwing with him.

This also means that he has no escape from her, no secret she can't discover and most definitely no mercy to expect from her save for a mercy kill once she has brought him down on his knees.

Facing the facts he chose the least painful option, frontal assault. The faster he got this over with, the less time Illya had to humiliate him… on occasions like this Archer really misses being torn apart by Berserker.

Slowly standing up, ready for an Illya-tackle, or a twin-loli flying kick or other things he expects. Nothing happens. Finally standing he looks around, nobody here. It makes no sense Illya wouldn't wait with her attack, unless, maybe this is…

"Is this abandonment-play?" Waiting for any kind of delayed sneak, Archer considers possible explanations. "Or is the whole Dojo-system still online without Illya?" He could work with this, hijacking the control, stay here forever and occasionally play mentor to some poor chap.

"Sorry! I'm late!"

Or his tormentor could just late. It makes sense, given that the kimono she's wearing needs some time to be put on. Archer examines the newcomer, white hair, ruby eyes, skin like marble, he estimates her age at around 30. Her kimono is pink, resembling a cherry-blossom in full bloom, she also wears Hakama in a darker shade of pink, a pair of leather boots and black forearm protectors extending over the back of her hands. The long sleeves of the Kimono and her long hair are bound with black ribbons, the former to grant mobility for the arms, the latter creates a ponytail, which complements the whole getup rather well.

"Hello Illya, what cosplay did you get for your assistants this time?" The silver-haired beauty blushes and starts giggling.

"Oh my, I'm afraid you have mistaken me. My name isn't Illya."

"Not Illya?" what game is she playing this time? Well Archer can play too. "Then forgive me, and may I inquire your name, my lady?"

"Kya, so gallant! Kiritsugu has raised you well. This nee-san is far older than Illya." Instead of answering not-Illya wriggles happily around. Archer still can't make sense of her, she claims not to be Illya, well on closer inspection there are some subtle differences between her and the grown-up version he met before. But she is definitely an Einzbern Homunculus. Also she knows Kiritsugu, the man who saved and raised him. And every Einzbern should hate Kiritsugu Emiya, since she speaks of his father in a positive manner that means she had personal contact with him. The fourth Grail War…

"Could you be Justeaze Lizrich von Einzbern?" Only she, the core of the Greater Grail could have made contact with Kiritsugu during the climax of the fourth war. It also were Kiritsugu's actions, which indirectly caused the end of the Greater Grail, setting the Homunculus free.

"NO! I'm not THAT old!" That hit a nerve, faced with an absolute adorable, angry pout, Archer back up a few steps.

"Then who the Zelretch are you? Please keep in mind that I'm not a slider or an esper."

The Einzbern-woman calms down. "I know that, and I know that you are Illya's beloved brother, little or big is matter in progress, but her brother anyway. And that's why I have come today! For Love, poetic justice and mandatory blackmail!"

"…what is mandatory blackmail? You still haven't introduced yourself, Miss?"

"Not Miss, Madam! And mandatory blackmail is gathered during ones young and innocent days, before you grasp the concept of shame and embarrassment."

"Like what? Baby-pictures?" The silver woman shows the red knight a radiant smile. "Baby-pictures… Madam… Illya, not Illyasviel but Illya… Kiritsugu… not that old… Y-you you are…!" The woman's smile grow wider as Archer's realization sets in. "Illya's mother?"

"Bing-Bong! You finally got it, that also saves me the introduction."

"…not really, I know a bit about you. But I was never told your name…"

She freezes, the whole room freezes with the sound of breaking glass. Then…

"MOU! This day really gets worse by the minute!" She begins a tantrum, an insanely cute, puffed cheeks, whirling arms tantrum. The resemblance to Illya is uncanny. "First I miss Illya by minutes! Then I can't find my dear Zecchan! I am too late for your arrival and now I learn nobody told my son about me!"

"Son?" This penetrates Archer's poker-face, he blushes.

Noting this she recomposes her calm. "Yes, my husband adopted you. This makes you my son just as much as Kiritsugu's!"

"…he he" The whole idea is plain crazy and too complicated, but Archer's mind gets one thing out before shutting down for a reset. "Taiga's going to flip, she hated the idea of any girl getting closer to me than herself. With a pretty mom like you she'll burst a vein."

"Hau, you called me mom, Iri is so happy…"

"Iri?"

"Kiri's nickname for me, my full name is Irisviel von Einbern!"

"I see, a beautiful name."

"Right? I think so too… Ah! I wanted to tease you a bit more with this…" Her, Iris's face darkens.

"Knowing my track record you will find something else to torture me in about 4 minutes 17 seconds."

"Hm… true the root is quite focused on your existence."

"See? Just lean back and wait for… The root IS after me?" Why have only the things to make sense be so terrifying?

"You and Shirou, didn't you know that?"

"No. Yes. I suspected…"

"I see. Let's change the topic? How about some tea?" She got Archer's attention instantly.

"Can I make it?"

"Sure."

They spent next twenty minutes almost silent. Being in a spiritual realm every kind of tealeaf was available. Archer chose the best he ever had. A rare cousin of the sencha, only cultivated at the lake within a mostly forgotten monastery in the Tibetan mountains, at 5000 meters above sea-level. In his lifetime Archer fell literally into said monastery, the brief stay evolved his tea-making-skill beyond what was considered human. Nobody alive ever knew of this.

Today he makes this tea for the first time for somebody else.

Iris gracefully accepts a simple but delicate cup of it. "Oh, that's some fine tea! My maids could learn from you."

Somehow this compliment makes the whole getting eaten by a killer-tomato-deal worth it.

"Are you not drinking?" Iris's voice calls Archer back into the present, or wherever his classroom is.

"What? Oh! My bad, I was in deep thought." He quickly sips from his own cup, sampling the tender taste, cleansing his mind better than any meditation could. Damn he needed this.

"So." Iris stands up. "Time to try this again." She takes a deep breath. "Welcome to the Einzbern Consultation Room, where poor, lost souls will be shown the light. I am your instructor Iri-shishou! Once I find my disciple, Zecchan, I will introduce her as well!"

Archer is listening closely. He feels hope coming up. "So you will help me out of my mess?"

"Nope! I will give you advice whenever you get a bad end. " So much for hope.

"What? But I deserve a way out of that madhouse!"

"You had a chance, but botched it by underestimating two innocent, but not harmless maidens."

"Please don't remind me…" These boots got to be illegal.

"You will not be given a second chance, you have to work for it. Fight young man, face the secrets of the Emiya-clan, overcome the hunger of the harem."

"Hunger of the Harem?"

"_The Harem must be feed_, you will soon understand or handweave it. Erhm. Master the trials before you and you shall be rewarded. Also die often so we can have more nice chats like this one."

"…heh, at least you are honest."

"Fufufu, so true. Time to go, you have a contest to win and I need to find my disciple and give my husband a piece of my mind."

"Win? With those food-monsters ruining the kitchen? No way, even I can't salvage anything good enough. Not with the brat and Gilgamesh as competition." Remembering the desecration of that sacred masterpiece of interior design Archer feels pure anger.

"But you can, see I almost forgot giving you a hint."

"Just a hint? Can't you just tell me the plan?"

"Nope~ I want to see grow, becoming strong as you fight the impossible, returning more powerful after each near-death experience, befriending your defeated foes and to see you again soon." For a brief moment Archer wonders, has this woman been raised on shonen-manga? No point in upsetting her.

"Fine, I'm listening."

Iris suddenly whirls something around, (maybe a staff?) before slam on end into floor. (It's a Naginata) "Then listen well!" With a full and confident voice the hint get announced. "Kiritsugu junior is the son of Shirou and Aturia. It's his innate ability than turned harmless food into what you have seen."

"…that's it?"

"That's all you get this time, come back soon for more."

With this the world turns black and Archer returns into the material world.

***Chapter End***

Author Notes:

For those who don't know about the Einzbern Consultation Room, it's a series of three specials/Omakes included with the Fate/Zero Blue-Rays. Featuring Irisviel and Zecchan explaining the Holy Grain War.


End file.
